


Bruising, Diplomacy and the wrong sort of Tuba

by ncruuk



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 20:07:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18698296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ncruuk/pseuds/ncruuk
Summary: It's the early May Bank Holiday and Kate had a vague plan to tidy up the garden and possibly plant some Begonias in the herbaceous border while the Tower didn't bother Osgood... but since when did the Universe ever go along with a Greyhound's plan?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MidLifeLez](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidLifeLez/gifts).



> There's no doubt plenty in this that could perhaps help with an explanation....however I'm going to keep that for the very end as too much of an explanation might possibly end up being something of a spoiler.... 
> 
> Another installment in my 'UNIT-verse' that's, fair warning, at the fluffier end of alien-related silliness :-)

"Hello?"  Osgood carefully shifted herself on the patio bench so she was sitting a little more comfortably and straightened her glasses.  "Osgood speaking..."

 

"Oh, hello Osgood..."  In the Tower Ops room, Sam Bishop looked around for the Duty Officer who had placed the call, his expression clear - they all knew they were under strict instructions from the Medics, Colonel Walsh and half of Central Command to not, under any circumstances, disturb Greyhound Two this weekend.  Greyhound One had made herself very clear with her complete lack of comment on Greyhound Two's availability, leaving all deciding that disturbing Osgood was less preferable to taking tea with a Weeping Angel.

 

"Don't panic Sam..."  Osgood was becoming more alert by the second, the fuzziness of her nap passing - it was annoying that this particular pain medication made her sleepy and nauseous in varying combinations, but at least she didn't get any hospitalisable side effects from it.  "...you did ring Dr Stewart's phone."

 

"Ah, oh..."  Grinning sheepishly by way of apology at the Duty Officer, Sam was aware he wasn't the only one letting out a faint sigh of relief to hear Osgood's assurance.  "...is Dr Stewart able to come to the phone?"

 

"Hang on..."  Moving gingerly, Osgood looked around the garden, trying to work out where Kate was based on the piles of weeds and pruning she had generated during Osgood's latest snooze.  

 

Her body had still not recovered from the effects of the whatever it was they had to deal with on Tuesday - Osgood had been knocked unconscious by it before she could work out what it was, and by the time she was sufficiently recovered to wonder what it might have been, it had been 'dealt with'.  So far, Osgood hadn't felt like asking Kate for more details, recognising that 'dealt with' in that particular tone of voice usually involved quite a lot of explosives, the occasional Sontaran acid trap and invariably UNIT buying the Army a new tank. 

 

"...she's tackling the Berberis I think..."

 

"Oh."  Sam had no idea what that meant, and judging by the range of expressions he could see on his colleagues' faces, neither did anyone else.

 

"It's a shrub, has yellowy gold leaves and flowers, and needed pruning."  Osgood wasn't a gardener but she had a fairly good understanding of what was in their garden.  "I'll call her, hang on." Osgood didn't need to ask Sam if it was urgent - he was too experienced to be calling for anything other than something urgent.

 

"Thank you Osgood."  Hearing Osgood put the mobile down on something, Sam signalled to the Duty Officer to mute their end of the call.  "Shit."

 

"Problem Sir?"  Lt Bishop didn't often swear, or grip the back of the chair quite that hard, making the less experienced Duty Officer nervous.

 

"Radio the Colonel please."  Straightening up and taking a calming breath or two, Sam waited for the signal that he was connected to the Colonel.  "Ma'am? I've a sit rep for you."

 

"Go ahead Bishop..."  Wearing the jeans and casual top that she'd worn to work that morning, Maria Walsh wasn't feeling all that 'Colonel-like' as she sat in the front passenger seat of the UNIT black Land Rover that Jenkins was currently expertly weaving through the light traffic as they made their way to the Kennel where they'd hopefully pick up Greyhound One and some police outriders.  So far, the only thing that had gone well with this latest disaster was Jenkins appearing from the depths of the Tower and meeting her at the Land Rover - apparently she wasn’t the only one behind on her paperwork.

 

"Greyhound Two answered Ma'am..."  He swallowed, knowing that was not what she wanted to hear, but knowing it was only going to get worse so kept going quickly.  "...Greyhound One is pruning a Berberis."

 

There was a long silence, making Sam wonder if the Colonel was having the same problem they'd had in Ops.

 

"It's a shrub Ma'am," he added, trying to be helpful.  "Yellowy Gold apparently."

 

"I'm aware Lieutenant, also known as Japanese Barberry."  Although not particularly expert gardeners, Maria and her husband did try to make something of the space at the back of their house, if only so that it wasn't permanently turned to a quagmire by the endless kickabout sessions her sons seemed to insist on.  Kate had come round one weekend and given them some advice on what they could do that would help preserve some degree of civilisation in their garden, and Berberis had been one of her suggestions. "Thanks for the update Bishop, we are ETA at the Kennel in..."  Maria looked at Jenkins who, without taking his eyes off the road, answered her unspoken question, which she relayed to Ops. "...four minutes. Escort status?"

 

"En route, expected at the Kennel in six minutes Ma'am."  Sam winced as he gave the Colonel his update, knowing that the two minutes between her arrival and them leaving with the police escort was more than long enough for Greyhound One to make her feelings known.

 

"Understood."  Maria ended the radio connection and sighed, wondering what her boss' reaction was going to be.  "Remember..." she muttered to herself, "..her bark is worse than her bite." As they turned another corner, Maria saw Jenkins' expression, telling her he'd heard her muttering.  "Any advice for a wimpish Colonel Jenkins?" she asked, remembering the Gatekeeper Incident shambles when no one had thought to check with the experienced transport coordinator for his input.  It was a mistake she never wanted to repeat, no matter what the situation was.

 

"Talk to both of them Ma'am."  Tommy Jenkins rarely volunteered his opinions on anything, nevermind Dr Stewart and her family, but that was because he took his part of protecting them seriously, prepared to do whatever he could to make their life as safe and smooth as he could.  He knew the Colonel thought the same way, and right now, talking to her about Dr Stewart seemed the right thing to do if he took that responsibility seriously. "About the situation I mean."

 

"Osgood's not cleared..."  The unintended ambiguity registered on his face despite his eyes never leaving the road as they continued to weave through the quiet London streets, their flashing blue lights good enough without the need to sound their siren also.  "...medically I mean. She can't come with us." 

 

"Her bark's worse when she's worried about her family Ma'am."  Jenkins changed gear and slowed down, nearing their destination, electing to ignore the Colonel’s comment.  "They're the only ones who can stop her worrying."

 

"And that stops the barking?" 

 

"Makes it more of a woof Ma'am..." Jenkins turned into the road that the Kennel was on and risked a quick sideways glance at the Colonel, checking she understood the spirit in which he was speaking so candidly.

 

"I still won't try to give her a scratch behind the ear!"

 

* * *

  
  


"Hey you..."  called out Kate, emerging from the flowerbed, secateurs in one hand, and a bucket full of clippings in the other.  "...you called?" she added, dropping the bucket on the lawn and, checking the safety clasp was secure, she tossed the secateurs down beside it and carried on striding towards the patio where Osgood had been snoozing and generally resting in the warm sunshine while keeping Kate company during her gardening.

 

"Sam Bishop's on the phone..." said Osgood, waving at Kate that she was fine to come closer.  "...that's not the evil flowerbed." Osgood had a complicated relationship with gardens, liking them but finding that not all of it liked her, with some plants and trees exacerbating her allergies and hayfever beyond anything even the UNIT medics could manage.  Over time, Kate had carefully tweaked her planting scheme to avoid the things that Osgood really couldn't cope with, but there were still a couple of problem areas that she hadn't managed to eliminate, mostly because Osgood hadn't been able to work out what was causing the problem.  "It's the one with the waterbutt that's making me sneeze still." ‘Still’ in this context was before mid July when, baffling them both, whatever it was that caused the sneezing disappeared. 

 

"Did he say what it was about?" asked Kate, her mind still a bit preoccupied with what it was about the planting around the waterbutt that caused Osgood to start sneezing, as it was something of a mystery.  She stopped on the edge of the patio and stamped her feet, dislodging most of the worst of the soil from her boots while she brushed her hands on her jeans, not wanting to track mud inside or get soil on Os.

 

"Not yet, but I think I heard sirens..."  Osgood held out the phone for Kate and carefully stood up, not protesting when Kate rushed forwards and wrapped her arms round her to help her steady herself.  "...thanks." She shuffled back from Kate, forestalling her girlfriend's protests with a brief and, mindful that she hadn't muted the call with Ops, soundless kiss.  "Talk to Sam, I'll go see who's arrived..." and then mouthed 'be nice' before slowly setting off inside. Now she was awake, she was starting to notice the sun had moved off the patio and, in the shade, May was not warm enough to make her want to stay outside, especially if Kate was about to head in.

 

"Lieutenant Bishop..."  There was a crispness to Dr Stewart's voice that made everyone in Ops straighten their spines and wince - that was her 'don't make me have to blow things up' voice which they all generally preferred to hear being directed to aliens rather than them.  "...what auspicious occasion warrants this telephone call? And who is about to ring my doorbell?"

 

Sam was relieved when he heard her two questions - they were two questions he could answer, concisely and promptly, which experience had taught him was the only way Greyhound One's mood didn't deteriorate when she was in this sort of mood.

 

"Gaston's sent an emergency signal and Colonel Walsh is, Dr Stewart."

 

"We're sure it's legitimate and not an overly curious juvenile again?" She had to ask, although deep down, Kate knew that they'd already triple checked - Sam wouldn't call her for a false alarm, and Maria Walsh wouldn't be on her doorstep without having triple checked herself.

 

"Confirmed by WOTAN..."  Sam cleared his throat, knowing this conversation was about to get very weird.  "...and Twitter."

 

"Twitter?"  Kate shut the conservatory door and continued on through the kitchen towards the front of the house, looking for Osgood who was moving more quickly than she had been earlier, suggesting that the combination of the pain medication and prolonged rest was finally working, much to Kate's relief.  "As in self promoting civilians blathering unsubstantiated nonsense?" Kate and the internet had limited time for each other, and social media was more usually a hindrance rather than a help when it came to UNIT activities. "What's happened?" As she spoke, she arrived in the hall in time to see Osgood opening the door to a rather nervous looking Maria Walsh.  "Nevermind, I'll talk to the Colonel." Just before she ended the call, Kate could have sworn she heard Sam sigh in relief and thank a deity she knew he didn't believe in, but she decided to pretend she hadn't heard it. "Maria..." Kate looked past the Colonel out onto the drive where she saw some police motorbikes and vehicles arranging themselves around a UNIT Land Rover.  "...I presume you've come to take me to see the animals at the zoo?" For once, Kate wasn’t being rude about Whitehall or Geneva.

 

“Yes…”  Maria looked from Kate to Osgood, who was either holding the front door open or being propped up by it, and judging by Kate’s rather poor attempt at not looking too concerned, Maria was fairly confident the door was helping Osgood.

 

"There’s a lion in the Elephant House?”

 

“It’s probably not a lion, and technically there are no longer any elephants in it…” tried Maria, about to ask how Osgood knew, then realising she could answer the question - Osgood had checked Twitter for ‘zoo’ references that were UNIT relevant.

 

“Sir Hugh Casson designed it in the early 1960s, and its silhouette can resemble elephants gathering around a waterhole.”  Osgood put her phone away in her pocket and repositioned her glasses, knowing she was having an attack of the huffs, and knowing it wasn’t Maria’s fault she wasn’t feeling all that great.  “So it’s called the Elephant House even when it doesn’t house pachyderms.”

 

“Pachy-whats?” asked Maria, not recognising the word but accepting that most conversations with Osgood or Kate saw her learn a new word or two.

 

“Taxonomic order that’s now scientifically obsolete but used to mean any of the elephant, rhinoceros or hippopotamus species...” explained Kate, before muttering mostly to herself although she didn’t care if Maria overheard her, “...or Josh Carter.”

 

“Thick-skinned large mammal?” guessed Maria, sharing a momentary smirk as she enjoyed the joke, knowing that Captain Carter’s enthusiasm and inability to take a hint was somewhat trying at times.  Quite how the silly boy hadn’t worked out that not only was Osgood not interested in him, but she was very firmly preoccupied with Kate Stewart was something Maria had never managed to fathom. 

 

“Something like that,” agreed Kate, relieved that Osgood, despite looking rather exhausted, still managed to muster up enough energy to lightly prod her shoulder in an unspoken instruction to ‘play nice’.  “Why is a lion in the Elephant House our problem? Are they sure it’s not one of theirs sightseeing?” Even as she asked the question, Kate could almost hear Freddie’s voice in her ear telling her off for being so silly, making her suddenly think of another, far more urgent question, this time for Osgood.  “Where’s Max?”

 

“Cornwall, with Jess, Gordy and Soph,” came the prompt reply, Osgood knowing what Kate was thinking - his mother, Kate’s best friend when she’d been at university, had been a specialist in giraffes and although she had died when he was thirteen, Osgood could understand why Kate was concerned about the idea of him being in command of Troop while they had a situation in London Zoo to deal with.  “You didn’t forget, we never knew.”

 

“Ah.”  Kate still didn’t understand how Osgood knew where the boys and their girlfriends were with such certainty, but she was happy to accept it as fact, knowing Os wouldn’t have been speculating.  The main thing, as far as Kate was concerned right now, was that Cornwall was a long way from London Zoo’s Elephant House.

 

“Gordy sent a picture of them eating ice cream in front of St Michael’s Mount about an hour ago.”  Even then they hadn’t actually told her where they were, but Osgood recognised the small island cut off from the mainland by the tides of Mount’s Bay.  As the boys had got older, while communication had become easier with mobile phones, they had somehow managed to remain rather haphazard in their ability to keep their mother informed with where they were in even the vaguest of terms.  

 

“Good.”  Kate would look at the photo later and send the boys a text message reminding them she liked clotted cream fudge but for now, she’d worry about this errant lion without having to worry about her adopted son at the same time.  “And the not-a-lion lion?” Kate presumed that they would have actually checked it wasn’t a conventional lion before appearing on her doorstep but nevertheless asked on the off chance she could return to the Berberis.

 

“Is not one of the zoo’s lions, they’ve confirmed their count is correct…”  Maria hadn’t been sure if she was relieved that a legitimate lion hadn’t been able to escape or not, but had made them double check: disturbing a Greyhound on the Bank Holiday was more like poking a tiger, and not something she’d been keen on doing unless they were certain.

 

“So it’s an extra lion appearing from thin air…”  Kate sighed, prepared to accept that yes, that probably did make it more likely to be UNIT’s problem rather than anyone else’s, which also confirmed it wasn’t really a lion either.  “Anything else?” 

 

“Not yet.  Gaston’s message just said he was investigating.  We’re meeting Troop at the Zoo, which is being cleared by their staff, with the Met helping form a security perimeter…”  Maria paused, clearly receiving an update from Ops or Troop through her radio earpiece. “...and it might not be a not-lion lion…”

 

Kate wasn’t sure whether Maria’s frown was because of what she was being told, or because of how awkward sounding this conversation was getting, but managed to keep that observation to herself, if only because it would delay how long Os was standing in the doorway.

 

“...based on the CCTV feed we’re now getting, it might be a…”  Maria stopped, momentarily tongue tied by what she now had to say, only to regain her confidence when she saw how calmly Greyhounds One and Two were looking at her, reminding her that as random it might sound, this was actually ‘normal’ for UNIT.  “...it might be a sort of not-a-kangaroo sort of not-lion.”

 

“A kangaroo shaped not-lion or a lion shaped not-kangaroo?” asked Kate, taking this new piece of information in her stride, though it took Maria a second to work out what the difference might be.

 

“It..sounds like a lion…”  Maria started ticking off what she did know from the various updates they’d managed to get from the zoo security cameras and social media reaction from the zoo visitors, Ops not yet having Gaston’s first report.  “...looked like a sleeping lion when it first appeared, but is now standing up and seems to look more like a kangaroo.” 

 

“Tip top.”  Kate stepped back from the door so she could find her raincoat that she’d worn home from the Tower on Friday night, which had her ‘everyday’ set of IDs in it, as well as her keys.  As strange as this lion-kangaroo hybrid sounded, it did at least sound like a legitimate UNIT situation to deal with. And, with Osgood out of action for the moment and Rosie on holiday, that meant the next most senior scientific advisor on call this weekend was Robert Shonbrun who, although adapting well to the world of UNIT, was the Tower’s Chief Chemist, which was probably the least useful scientific discipline for this current problem.  “I’m sorry…” she said, returning to the doormat with her passes, preparing to say goodbye to Os.

 

“Don’t be,” insisted Osgood, knowing it wasn’t Kate’s fault she had to go to the Zoo.  “And you _ are _ a biologist…” she added, reaching forwards and pulling a leafy twig away from her girlfriend’s shirt, knowing it hadn’t occurred to Kate to think about changing out of her gardening clothes before leaving.

 

“You going to nap again?”

 

“Probably, but might try some TV …”  Osgood glanced at Maria, recognising the Colonel was attempting to not look like she was listening.  “I think Madagascar’s on…” she added as Kate returned to the doorway, now with her passes for the Tower, just in time to see Maria fighting what looked like a rather un-Colonel-like attack of the giggles.

 

“Don’t tease the Colonel…” Kate had no idea what the joke was, but was glad that Osgood was making it as that was always a sign that she was on the mend.  “...and don’t wait up if it’s late. Will I need to go to the Tower afterwards and…” Kate was trying to remember exactly what it was that exposure to the complex environment of London Zoo did to Osgood’s asthma and allergies, as well as whatever complication Gaston was going to cause.  “...change?”

 

“Sorry...” A part of Osgood wanted to try and persuade Kate to risk it and just come home -  ‘change’ was an understatement for a brisk decontamination protocol compliant cold shower that spending a few hours at the Zoo and with Gaston would require.  “...it’s the painkillers…” Were she not already on the high dose painkillers following Tuesday’s adventures, Osgood could have managed with Kate coming straight home as she had inhalers and allergy medication she could use if a straightforward shower and change didn’t suffice.  Unfortunately, Tuesday’s excitement had left her with bruised ribs and a conflicting set of medicine that meant she had to avoid the zoo herself and ask Kate to do the more precautionary decontamination protocol compliant shower and change at the Tower. If they tried to skip that step, the probable allergy attack when Kate came home would inevitably send Osgood back to the Tower’s medical unit for oxygen and stronger pain medication, and mean she spent the rest of the Bank Holiday long weekend asleep without being able to use Kate as a pillow for some of it.  And it was using her girlfriend as a pillow that was, in Osgood’s non-medical expert opinion, as effective if not more so, than the sleeping pills she had been given but wasn’t taking.

 

“Nothing to be sorry for…”  promised Kate, knowing that as bad as the Yurtapi fur was for Osgood, that was a mild reaction compared to what would happen in the event that Osgood accidentally came into contact with the zoo’s allergens, no matter how indirectly, without any of her usual medical defences, with her recent alien technology adventure just making the idea even more horrific as far as Kate was concerned.  “If anyone’s got anything to be sorry about…” Kate looked down at her outfit, conscious she really didn’t have time to change clothes now that the cars on the drive had stopped moving around, the full escort clearly assembled. “...it’s me.” The clothes she was wearing were not going to survive the decontamination protocol. “I’m sorry about your shirt…” The shirt was one of Osgood’s that she’d left behind in Geneva one weekend and Kate had ‘borrowed’ it almost immediately.  Ultimate ownership of it though, was something they still hadn’t managed to agree on despite their years together, with Osgood reclassifying shirts like this one as now being Kate’s as it had been borrowed some years ago and only a matter of weeks after Osgood had bought it, while Kate was equally certain it remained Osgood’s.

 

“I’m not.”  Osgood was more sorry about the black t-shirt Kate was wearing underneath the checked shirt, as it was doing a rather good job of displaying her curves and collarbones.  Anything more she might have said was lost in a yawn that caught her by surprise. Still, a yawn was a better surprise than nausea.

 

“Go snooze with the TV…” encouraged Kate, kissing Os gently, knowing she was almost asleep on her feet again, not feeling at all concerned about having Maria Walsh as an audience.  “Love you…”

 

“M’kay…”  Feeling very drowsy again, Osgood leaned forwards and kissed Kate again.  “Love you too…” she mumbled as she pulled away from Kate’s lips, before giving a distracted half wave to Maria and heading off towards the couch and rarely watched TV.

 

“One second…” said Kate suddenly, gesturing to Maria that she’d be back, before disappearing back into the house though not, as Maria had assumed she would be, following Osgood.

 

After what felt to Maria like next to no time but had actually been a couple of minutes, Kate was closing the door behind her and following Maria to the Land Rover, pleased to see Tommy Jenkins at the wheel.

 

“Thank you Tommy…ready when you are.”  She didn’t see the need to explain that she’d nipped back into the house for a quick trip to the loo and to leave a glass of water, a glass of fruit juice and Os’ pain meds on the coffee table within reach of where Osgood had been carefully getting comfortable, along with the packet of fruit biscuits Osgood had been occasionally nibbling on when she’d actually liked the idea of food.

 

“Yes Dr Stewart.”  With his usual calm and quiet efficiency, he got on the radio and seconds later, bathed in the flashing glow of the police escort’s blue lights and accompanied by short bursts of their sirens, they were on their way again.

 

“Tell me Jenkins…” said Kate eventually, when they’d been going for a couple of minutes and were now on the main road into Central London, so it was a bit fairer to ask Tommy a question.  “...what’s Madagascar?” The ‘and I don’t mean the island off the East Coast of Africa’ was implicit and unspoken.

 

“An animated film, Dr Stewart.  Zoo animals escaping from Central Park Zoo and becoming shipwrecked in Madagascar.  It’s alright, but we think the spin off cartoons are better than the film.” At least, that was what he and Gareth thought when they’d tried them, a while back when they’d seen they were on Netflix.

 

Maria blinked, and looked at Jenkins in amazement - that was the first time she’d heard the usually taciturn transport coordinator volunteer an opinion and say more than what was the absolute minimum needed to answer a question. 

 

“Where would I be without you Tommy?” joked Kate, reaching forwards from the back seat to gently squeeze his shoulder in thanks - only he knew quite how many potentially stupid questions she asked him in the privacy of the car as he expertly got her from A to B.  In the beginning, she’d felt she needed to justify her lack of awareness of ‘things’ by explaining she’d been a workaholic living in Geneva, but he’d not minded and certainly not thought less of her because of it. As far as he was concerned it seemed like a good deal: he’d answer her questions about whatever reference to films, TV, music and the like she’d not recognised when they were mentioned (sometimes with the help of Google while she was in her meeting, but that wasn’t the point) and in return she’d keep track of all the alien stuff that might otherwise end life as he knew it.  

 

“Walking and late Ma’am.”

 

* * *

 

Her mobile phone alerted her to the arriving text message just as Osgood had finished getting moderately comfortable - it wasn’t that the couch was uncomfortable, just that the cushions weren’t as comfortable to prop herself up with as it had been last night when she’d had the cushions and Kate.  Finally settled, Osgood shuffled again so she could pull her phone out of her trouser pocket and repositioning her glasses so she could look past the smudge rather than through it (she’d clean them after she’d read and possibly replied to the message), she unlocked her phone and went to messages.

 

_ Madagascar = funny.  The spin-off cartoons are better apparently… sleep well K xxx _

 

Smiling at Kate’s reply, Osgood typed out her reply, marvelling at how different it could have been if she’d just accepted the predictive text suggestions only to start yawning again.  Forcing herself to concentrate on finishing the message, as soon as she’d pressed send, Osgood was asleep again, the TV and her drinks forgotten about.

  
  
  


“Would it help if I…”  Kate paused while they took a corner quite sharply, causing her and Maria Walsh to have to briefly concentrate on bracing themselves in their seats to avoid being strangled by their seat belts.  “...told you that Gaston’s virtually retired and on the Ghost list of officers?” 

 

“Am I that obvious?” asked Maria Walsh glumly, cross with herself for letting her unease show so that Kate picked up on it.  “And with respect Dr Stewart, I’m familiar with the active Ghosts on record, and there is no Gaston amongst them.” She could cope with overlooking something or making a mistake, but she couldn’t cope with Kate Stewart excusing her poor performance with a lie to make her feel better.

 

“Digitised record.”  Kate appreciated personal accountability and responsibility, but she wasn’t happy with members of her team trying to punish themselves for something they hadn’t got wrong.

 

“Excuse me?”  There were times, General Bambera had warned her, when she’d want to take  ‘Kate-bloody-Lethbridge-bloody-Stewart and shake her’. At the time she’d received the advice, Maria hadn’t been able to imagine that being the case, but right now, she could see Win Bambera’s point.  She also therefore paid heed to the General’s other piece of advice, which had been to ‘remember she’s on your side and listen.’

 

“Gaston was activated, I forget when exactly….” Kate could never remember if it was May 5th 1824 or May 4th 1825, but it didn’t really matter.  “...but it was in Hastings’ time.” She saw Maria’s blank look, not entirely surprised the name wasn’t meaning much to the Colonel. “Hastings, Wellington’s immediate predecessor though he was away being Governor-General of India for most of it...anyway, many of those records were never digitised. They’re still in the Library, I’ll ask Brockenthwaite to release them for you.”  There were occasions when the UNIT bureaucracy was a bit pedantic, and this was one of those times. 

 

“Wellington, as in Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington?  But that means..Wait, this agent has been active for almost 200 years?”

 

“Gaston would dispute that - he claims he was only really active until the 1850s, though he was a bit busy during the late 20s and the Second World War.”  It was during the latter that he’d started to go a bit deaf, though that was less of an issue ever since they’d managed to get him some hearing aids that were compatible with the Zoo’s visitor hearing loop system and the modified smartphone he had hidden from the visitors on which he could follow world and Space events. “He’ll want to meet you, he likes to meet all the Constables.”  

 

The ‘Constable of the Tower’ was, as far as most people knew, a now purely ceremonial position held for a five year period by a retired Army General, but that was because the non-ceremonial responsibilities of the Constable were presumed to no longer be necessary.  In reality, the duties relating to management of the military buildings and soldiers, as well as the responsibility for security and prisoners remained, but since they solely related to UNIT activities that was why Colonel Walsh was also known as the Constable of the Tower under certain circumstances, just as Kate was known by various titles depending on the context, including Chancellor.

 

“Oh.”  Maria was really regretting not being in uniform now - not only was this agent over 200, but he was going to be able to compare her to Wellington...THE Wellington!

 

“I’m sorry about the mix up Maria - although you’re the current Constable, that particular volume is sealed and requires a Chancellor’s Decree.”  Kate looked out of the window and saw they were entering Regent’s Park, meaning they were only a minute or two away. “So it’s entirely my fault, I forgot to issue the Decree when you took over.”  It was annoying really, but whichever way the lawyers had tried to interpret the original sealing, there was just no way that the records contained within that particular volume could be included in any database.  With everything else that had been going on, this was clearly the latest thing that had been overlooked, although fortunately it was relatively small and straightforward to rectify.

 

“Is there anything else I should know or worry about?” asked Maria, realising she only had time for one final question before they would be getting out and meeting Troop and, by the sounds of it, a 200 year old man who was the UNIT undercover officer stationed at the zoo that she’d never known about, but who had been on assignment undercover and reporting to the Duke of Wellington of all people.  She really must try and find a way to ask General Bambera if there was anything else overlooked during her handover...

 

“Aside from the unexpected lion that might be a kangaroo in the elephant house?” asked Kate, recalling the whole reason why they were about to spend the early evening at the zoo.

 

“Aside from that.”

 

“His moustache…”  As Jenkins applied the handbrake, Kate heard her mobile phone go suggesting Osgood had probably replied to her text message.  “...he’s very proud of it.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Dr Stewart…”  Lt Chen didn’t often find himself in charge of Troop in the field, with it normally falling to Captains Carter and Stewart or Sam Bishop, but just occasionally he was ‘it’.  Usually he didn’t have to cope with anything more stressful than making sure they didn’t break anything expensive at the Tower, but this shift was not turning out that way. “... Ma’am.”  He nodded to the Colonel, wondering whether she was any clearer on what was happening than he was.

 

“Where have we got to Chen?” asked Kate, smiling as she finished reading the text message which had been from Osgood, before putting the phone in her pocket and leaning back against a convenient bollard sunk into the pavement outside the main zoo entrance.  Were it not for all the guns and kevlar, she might have been waiting for friends before going into the zoo for a day out.

 

“Perimeter is secure and we’re holding a line around the Elephant House.”

 

“Gaston?”

 

“Not made contact yet Ma’am…”  Chen had been unable to find anyone volunteering themselves as the UNIT undercover officer, nor had Ops found anything resembling a description in the databases for him to know who to look for.  “The protocol requires us to hold our position until contact is made…” He looked nervously from Greyhound One to the Colonel, unable to shake the feeling that he was not ‘seeing’ something important, but despite checking everything they could think of, neither he nor Sam had been able to find anything they’d missed.  “...I elected to follow the protocol until your arrival Ma’am.” He straightened again and risked a sheepish grin at Dr Stewart - of course, Greyhound One didn’t have to hold her position, Greyhound One decided their position.

 

“Radio anyone?”  asked Kate, looking around at the various people from one department or another, all managing to move about with purpose rather than catch her eye. Finally someone stepped forward holding out a handheld radio and a separate earpiece.  “...Thanks, just the radio please.” Sizing up the handheld radio, realising it was a good couple of years since she’d used one without an earpiece as they’d subsequently all become rather addicted to the handsfree earpieces which contained microphone and speaker, Kate rubbed the back of her neck with her other hand and absently tossed away the stray leaf she found inside her collar, reminding her she’d have to tidy up all the garden rubbish tomorrow.  “What do we know about our ‘lion’?” She decided not to bother mentioning the kangaroo bit to avoid a confusion causing tongue twister.

 

“Not a lot - the zoo can confirm they know where all theirs are, and none appear to have arrived with a ticket-holding visitor.”  Anyone else would have probably thought that additional clarification was overly pedantic and rather redundant, but Greyhound One wasn’t ‘anyone’ and Chen was following every ‘a day at UNIT isn’t a UNIT day without the impossible being possible and the abnormal being run-of-the-mill’ guideline there was.  “This one’s secure inside the Elephant House.” Chen waved for one of the scientists to come forwards, bringing with them their tablet. “CCTV picture quality isn’t great, but as far as we can tell it just appeared in the last hour, is possibly concussed and confused and didn’t seem to use the front door.”

 

“Puff of smoke?  Flash of light?” asked Kate, prepared to accept that a lion just appearing out of thin air probably qualified it as a UNIT lion even before the kangaroo complication.

 

“Golden coat?” quipped Maria before she’d thought about it, only to look a bit uncomfortable when she realised Kate had heard her and was looking at her in a way that probably meant she was amused but trying not to show it.  “Sorry…”

 

“Your sons are doing Joseph too?” Kate grinned when she saw Maria’s nod.  “What parts are you learning?” She still remembered the horrors of letters home from Gordy’s school explaining what this term’s production was, what the costume needed to be and what brain-numbing contrived rhyming couplets or nonsensical songs she had to make sure he learned, often with a simultaneous set of movements.  The year the school had done Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat she remembered as being one of the less painful ones to coax Gordy through, if only because ‘jazz hands’ were not in vogue that year.

 

“The big one’s Joseph, his little brother’s in the chorus.”

 

“Gordy was…”  Kate thought for a moment, remembering going to the production with Freddie one afternoon and watching as their sons concentrated very hard on doing their little routines at the right times, inevitably getting them a little bit wrong.  “...the youngest brother because he was the smallest.” She decided, in deference to his absence, not to mention that Max was a mid-range brother made to stand with the older boys on account of his size. “Age in Ancient Egypt apparently closely correlated to height according to his teacher.”

 

“It hasn’t changed.”  Maria didn’t quite know how Greyhound One could manage to recognise song lyrics from a school production Gordy must have been in about 20 years ago while dealing with a possibly alien lion loose in London Zoo, but somehow, it felt right, although what Chen was making of it she wasn’t sure.

 

“I was the Pharaoh…” Chen blushed when they both looked at him, not having thought what would happen when he said that out loud.  “...in school, when we did Joseph.”

 

“And now you’re one of the good guys…” teased Kate, winking at him before looking again at the CCTV images that had started them down that conversational rabbit hole.  “...who was telling me about our visitor…” She handed the tablet back to the scientist whose name was not coming to mind just now as she waved for Chen to continue with his update.  “Or is it visitors?” she asked perceptively, fairly certain she’d seen something else that looked like it probably wasn’t usually there.

 

“We think it’s on its own…”  Chen could feel the sweat breaking out on the back of his neck as he tried to give her an update - he was glad she’d got here so quickly, but a part of him would have liked her to not arrive until he felt he had something definitive to tell her.  Then again, with his luck, the zoo could have been turned into a crater, so on balance he’d stick with feeling like an idiot with nothing to say. “It, uh, appeared without any obvious indications as to where from or how, is confirmed by the zoo to not be one of theirs…”  He trailed off, not sure what she was going to make of his next piece of information.

 

“And we still don’t know anything about this not lion?”  Kate sighed when she saw Chen nod, starting to have a fairly good idea what had probably happened but unable to understand how it had happened.  

 

“We think it might have luggage…”  He’d asked Ops to try and enhance the CCTV pictures to give him a better picture than he’d shown her, but they’d not managed to do anything other than narrow the lumps down to some sort of bags or… “...or they’re smaller versions still asleep… Ma’am.” Asleep, decided Chen, sounded less dangerous than unconscious.

 

“Very well…”  She looked around the groups of scientists and soldiers, seeing if there was anyone here who might be able to provide a definitive answer to the questions she now had but didn’t see anyone who might be able to help her.  What she really wanted was an exo-biologist who could start working on identification, and a couple of deep-space telemetry experts to start trying to find any clues as to where this lost visitor had been immediately prior to the Elephant House.  Instead she appeared to have a geologist, a botanist and a chemist, which was sounding like either the start of a bad joke or the scientific equivalent of bringing a knife to a gunfight. Still, the total absence of zoologists and zoo keepers had to at least mean that Chen had managed to placate the Zoo Staff into letting them deal with the situation before she’d arrived - she generally felt more diplomatic when she didn’t have a twig caught in her bra, which now she’d noticed it, was going to just have to stay there until she got to the Tower.  She just hoped it wasn’t a piece of the poison ivy she’d cut away from the fence, but she’d worry about that later, and in the relative privacy of a full decontamination protocol compliant cold shower. “...Guess it’s time for the Greyhound to see the Lion and their luggage.” Unless it was a kangaroo travelling with family members, obviously.

 

“What about Gaston?” asked the Colonel, not sure if she was expecting Dr Stewart or Lt Chen to answer, still not sure what exactly to expect when she did finally meet this elderly undercover officer who apparently took pride in his moustache.  As much as she was appreciating having a situation not announce itself with explosions and megalomaniac ambitions, at least that gave them something to shoot at, and she was woman enough to admit that she felt better when they had something to shoot at.  

 

“If I know Gaston…”  Kate set off walking towards the zoo entrance, electing to go through the open ticket barrier and picked up a leaflet which claimed to have a map inside it, only to stop on the other side when she felt a small furry object land on her head, a split second before she heard the distinctive sound of safeties being released as weapons were raised in her direction.  “...he’s already here…” she sighed, instinctively raising her hands away from her sides so as to not accidentally alarm a nervous soldier. “Hold your fire!”

 

“Ma’am?”  Chen kept his weapon trained on the thing that was on Greyhound One’s head  but did relax his trigger finger the necessary fraction that such an order required, hoping the rest of Troop had the same instincts.

 

“I’m fine Chen, you can all stand down…”  Slowly, Kate turned round so she was facing them, enabling them to see she was looking her usual calm and unflappable self - had she been of a shrieking and jumping disposition, someone would have probably shot her in surprise.  “...and you Sir…” she held her hand out, palm up, in front of her eyes, at which point the small furry object moved at lightning quick speed from her head to her hand and appeared to give himself a brisk shake. “...should be better behaved at your age.”

 

“I slipped.”  

 

The voice was high and thin sounding thought Chen, like a child’s, but somehow managed to also sound old and wise, with the words spoken clearly and precisely, reminding him of the old 1930s newsreel voiceovers that he sometimes saw in documentaries and films.

 

“Pardon?” Kate looked at Gaston in disbelief, finding his explanation the first genuinely surprising thing she’d heard since she’d been called by Ops.  “Since when do you slip?”

 

“Since my tail became stiff.”  The small, talking alien who looked exactly like the Earth species ‘Emperor Tamarin’, who was now sitting on Kate’s hand, lifted his long tail up and wrapped it loosely round her forearm arm.  “See?”

 

“Have the keepers noticed?”  Kate immediately understood what Gaston meant - the last time she’d met him, he’d been able to maintain a nice firm grip on her arm with his tail, the sort of grip that enabled him to hang by it from branches and the sort of metal rails and posts that were in the entrance canopy’s roof.

 

“They took me to a physician who said it was arth-ri-tis…”  Gaston spoke the word carefully, not having come across it when he was learning how to speak this particular human dialect nor coming across it all that often when he was listening to the visitors’ conversations, which was how he learned most of his vocabulary.   “...and told the keepers to give me medicine.”

 

“Do you take the medicine?” asked Kate, never able to interpret his facial expressions all that clearly due to the large drooping white moustache he was so proud of, but suspecting that he probably found a way of avoiding it.  “Gaston….” She lifted her hand up a little higher so she was certain he could see the upper half of her face rather than just her lips, knowing that he often forgot how much humans communicated with their eyes and eyebrows compared to his tamarin and gibbon friends who seemed, as far as she could tell, to stick their tongue out by way of conversation more often than not.  “Why didn’t you talk to me sooner?” she asked more quietly, seemingly unconcerned about anything else apart from his well-being, managing to ignore the half a dozen guns still mostly pointed at her rather than him, given their relative sizes. Had he been about 150 years younger, she might have gone as far as to remind him of his duties as an Officer, but even she had her limits so went for kind concern with a hint of disappointment.

 

“You were busy…”  Gaston’s moustache drooped further as he realised how silly he sounded even before she could begin to remind him that she was never too busy to help make sure her Officers were as comfortable as they could be, before paying attention again as she quietly started to find out what else he might be stoically enduring.

 

“Colonel?”  Chen was used to the usual protocol being that there was no protocol, but there was nothing in his UNIT experience or training that was helping him know what to do next, except be relieved he was neither alone nor the ranking officer in the moment when Greyhound One was landed on by a talking moustache-wearing monkey..

 

“Yes Chen?”

 

“Is that...I mean are you…”  He couldn’t even say it, it was too fantastic sounding, so he stuttered to a stop, hoping the Colonel understood his question.

 

“...seeing Greyhound One talking to a moustached monkey like he’s an old friend?”

 

“Yeah…I mean yes Colonel.”  

 

“Yes.”  Maria re-engaged the safety on her pistol and put it back in her holster, prompting Chen to lower his own gun and signal for the rest of Troop to follow.  “If it’s any consolation, she didn’t mention he was a monkey to me either.” Privately, she might one day pluck up courage to ask Kate how that managed to not seem important, but for now, Maria would just accept that, no matter how much she thought she’d learned about all things UNIT, there was always something else she’d missed.

 

“That... “ came the indignant sounding response from Gaston who, having finished promising to Kate that he would let UNIT help him get treatment for his arthritis which was also in his feet a bit, had now leapt from Kate’s hand and was sitting on her shoulder and sizing up the rest of the UNIT presence that was trying to look busy it seemed.  “...is because I am not a monkey!” 

 

“Your hearing aids are still working rather well then?” said Kate dryly, giving the end of his tail a gentle but pointed tweak as an unspoken request that he ‘be nice’ - it was an understandable mistake given introductions hadn’t been completed yet.

 

“Very well, thank you.”  Small hands rubbed behind equally small ears as Gaston checked the tiny devices that UNIT’s scientists had designed for him a few years ago were still hidden in his fur.

 

“You can come closer you two…” encouraged Kate, attaching the radio to the waistband of her jeans, glad she’d remembered to decline the earpiece as with Gaston sitting on her shoulder like that, they’d be both suffering from tinnitus by now due to the interference...unless she meant feedback?  Os would know…and the sooner she sorted out this stray lion that was possibly a kangaroo and may be travelling with a sedated entourage, the sooner she could go home and ask Os which it was. “...and you can introduce yourself properly if you’re that easily offended…”

 

It took Maria a second to realise that Kate had been talking to the ‘not a monkey’ Gaston rather than her and Chen, and, more to the point, that Kate clearly intended the introductions to happen while they continued on into the zoo rather than staying here as she was already walking down the slope away from the entrance and into the zoo proper.

 

“I am Gaston, and I am from a planet that no longer exists.”  He jumped up and stood on Kate’s head again so he could see Chen and the Colonel as they caught her up, neither soldier having expected her to set off mid sentence,  something both knew they should have actually been expecting: Kate Stewart’s unpredictability was usually predictable after all. “I am probably the last of my planet’s kind, but on this planet I am now assumed to be what these people…”  He made a small wave in the direction of a banner hanging from a lamppost showing a picture of a zookeeper, “... call an Emperor Tamarin and I do not discuss their error with them.” He didn’t discuss anything with anyone at the zoo other than one particular member of staff who was briefed by UNIT as to Gaston’s actual identity, and even then he avoided talking about his actual identity, preferring to discuss the interests he followed  with the devices UNIT had given him. 

 

“What were you assumed to be before that Gaston?” Kate couldn’t remember ever knowing, but knew he predated the ‘Emperor’  _ Saguinus imperator  _ was named after, and remembered being told that in this particular form Wellington wouldn’t have recognised him.  “And which way?” She would have consulted the map she’d picked up, but with him standing on her head she didn’t want to risk it as, arthritis notwithstanding, he’d probably throttle her with his tail if he thought he was falling.

 

“It is quickest for you to go that way…” Gaston indicated which path she should take with his tail.  “I think you would now call me a Golden Lion Tamarin.” He shrugged and jumped down from her head to sit on her shoulder again, the fabric of her shirt less slippery than her hair.  “I was brighter coloured as a youngster, and did not have my moustache…” He stood up, turned around in a tight circle twice and sat down again, his tail draping over her shoulders like a scarf, making Kate glad she wasn’t ticklish.  “...I do not remember what I was thought to be then…” He reached out and caught hold of a tiny speck of pollen caught in the strands of Kate’s hair and coaxed it free, before smoothing the hair back down behind her ear. “...it is a long time past now.”  He found something else caught in Kate’s hair and removed it, only to tut to himself when, now he was looking, he saw quite how much there was to do. “You have no one caring for you young friend?” His question was more of a rhetorical chastisement as he set about removing the tiny near-invisible specks of pollen and the like that he and only he could see in Kate’s hair.  “And that way please…” He indicated with his tail for her to go in the opposite direction to the one she had expected, but before she could ask him to explain, he carried on talking, his hands never stilling as he continued to tidy her up. “I did not get a chance to ask the local lions what they think about the visitation. The giraffes do not understand brevity.”

 

“So it is a lion?” asked Kate, happy to take the long way round to the Elephant House now she knew why - it was, for someone with legs as short as Gaston’s, quite a trek to the resident lions, especially if he had already gone to find the giraffes first.   “And my love life is lovely thank you!” she muttered, starting to feel the inevitable headache that unexpected alien appearances caused at some point or other. “I was gardening when you called..trying to tidy it up ready for summer.” She very deliberately wasn’t thinking about whether ‘visitation’ was a collective or singular noun.

 

It was rather fortunate for Gaston that Emperor Tamarins were one of the species where the males were involved in the child raising and family grooming, otherwise his gentle nature and fastidiousness might have aroused suspicion amongst his fellow ‘housemates’.  Instead, each generation of the zoo’s group had just accepted him as part of the extended family and allowed him to potter about enjoying his ‘retirement’, an ever-present great-uncle sort of figure.

 

“I think it is one of Gertrude’s relatives, a Great-Niece perhaps, but when I went to look she was speaking far too quickly for me to understand her particular dialect.”

 

“And the lions here do?” asked Kate, glad to be talking about UNIT business again after the momentary detour into her love life - she’d forgotten Gaston thought of her as his ‘young friend’ but of course age and time was relative.  “I’m not sure we can borrow one to interpret…” That would take a lot of memory wiping afterwards and she wanted to get home before dawn, not to mention the paperwork.

 

“I do not require an interpreter…” grumbled Gaston, registering his offence at her suggestion by climbing up her face to get to the top of her head rather than jumping, though he took great care to ensure she merely felt lightly pummeled rather than scratched.  “...just help remembering how to ask her to speak slowly in a way that is not rude. If she is related to Gertrude, she has probably inherited her grumpiness.” He used his higher vantage point to work out where within the lion’s exhibit his friend was, emitting a couple of short shrieking calls that were soon answered by a roar.  “Wait here…” he instructed before, with an agility and speed that no human could ever imagine having but was fairly ordinary for a tamarin, he’d disappeared.

 

“Now he worries about being rude…” sighed Kate, leaning back against the exhibit wall and looking at Maria and Chen, aware of another couple of Troop standing a bit further back as ‘back-up’ should they be needed, suddenly conscious of another rumbling noise.  “I don’t suppose either of you have anything to eat do you? I missed lunch.” She’d made brunch for her and Osgood and they had eaten it in the sunshine on the patio, before she’d started on the garden, Os sufficiently recovered from her encounter with the alien ‘something’ earlier in the week that her appetite had finally returned enough to eat a poached egg and some toast.  They’d been intending to order a take-away for dinner when Kate had finished her planned jobs in the garden about now, not expecting a trip to the zoo.

 

“Umm…”  Chen reached into the pocket of his tactical vest that usually contained his snacks and pulled out a slightly squashed looking something, not immediately recognising what it was until he’d looked more closely at it.  “...flapjack?” He remembered now, he’d put it in his vest last shift to have as a midnight snack if he got hungry and forgotten about it. “It was homemade on Monday.” And had looked more appetising before Captain Stewart had landed on him during the explosion that had left Osgood unconscious, but he prudently didn’t mention that.

 

“Homemade?”  Kate was impressed and said as much as she accepted it from him with thanks.

 

“It’s nothing fancy, but it is a Mary Berry recipe…” Certain his ears were pink with embarrassment, Chen watched for Kate’s reaction to her first mouthful, relieved when she mumbled appreciative thanks for his generosity and baking talent.  “I added cranberries...” He didn’t think they were an allergy risk for her, but was nevertheless relieved when she gave him a thumbs up and carried on eating it. Excusing himself, he took the opportunity to check in with the rest of his team and find out how their visitor was doing while they waited for Gaston to return.

 

“When I was a Lieutenant I was rather pleased with myself if I remembered to take a Mars Bar with me on night duty…” mused Maria, watching Chen start to radio in with all the teams he’d stationed across the zoo, making the occasional note to himself in the small notebook he’d produced from another pocket in his vest.  “...and didn’t think cranberries went with anything other than turkey.”

 

“Universal British Army chocolate bar of choice in my experience,” agreed Kate mid chew, seeing Maria’s double take at her observation.  “What?” Kate swallowed her mouthful of flapjack and began to tick off her names on her fingers as she spoke. “My father, Max,  _ his _ father, Osgood’s Dad…”  She saw Maria’s faint frown that had appeared when she’d mentioned Max’s Dad had intensified with the mention of Tom Osgood realising it was probably because Maria didn’t know about Tom Osgood’s service history.  “...UNIT Sergeant in my father’s era and no, we didn’t know each other as children!” Clarification provided, she put the last of the flapjack in her mouth and, after a couple of chews, carried on with her list, deciding it was up to Max to explain his father’s Army career to his CO, not Kate.  “Win Bambera and now you all admit to taking a Mars Bar on duty with you.” Kate put her hands in her jeans’ pockets now she’d finished both Chen’s flapjack and her list and looked at the exhibit’s information board, automatically taking in the information as she continued speaking. “That’s 6 Mars Bars to one homemade flapjack.”  

 

The sound of a lion roaring was strange and unexpected in comparison to the passing siren as some 999 call was answered somewhere nearby, reminding Maria that Gaston would presumably be back soon and her opportunity to ask Kate questions would gone again.

 

“Dr Stewart?  That other title that you said I had, when I arrived at the Tower…”  Maria had known she’d been appointed as CO UNIT Forces (Tower Command) but had been surprised to discover that she also had some other titles as the post was one that was matched against the ancient hierarchies UNIT was required to remain ‘backwardly compatible’ with.  “...the Keeper of the Menagerie…” She wasn’t sure why this was her most urgent question now she had an opportunity to ask her boss something, but it was as good as any to start with. “..it’s not talking about keeping Troop in line is it?”

 

“No.”  Kate stretched her neck and rolled her shoulders - Gaston wasn’t exactly heavy, weighing about a pound or so she thought, but it was a little more than her UNIT beret which was the only thing she usually wore on her head, aside from her reading glasses.  “At least, not officially.” She made a mental note to find out from Win what exactly she had told Maria about her various ‘alternative titles’ when she’d been appointed CO at the Tower as clearly the handover notes were somewhat lacking. “Wellington was the last Constable with an actual Menagerie to oversee - the animals were moved here when the Zoological Society was created.  Gaston’s the best one to tell you about it all.” He’d been quite rude about the ‘official’ unofficial record of the move that Brockenthwaite had found in the Library, and had insisted they correct some fundamental errors as he saw it through a series of interviews. Suffice to say those recordings were now in the Black Archive, carefully filed so that they wouldn’t be found by accident.

 

“Were they all aliens?” asked Maria, a few things she’d read about the Tower’s history making rather more sense suddenly and feeling rather silly that it had taken her so long to make the connection.  All the fantastic sounding animals from hundreds of years ago that almost sounded like recognisable animals from today except for a differently patterned coat, extra long tail or eccentric behavioural habits were so obviously taking advantage of the ‘zoo at the Tower’ as an early cover story for non-humanoid aliens.  Why was she only spotting that now? Especially once she’d met the  _ real _ Ravens that protected the Tower with their constant presence…

 

“Less than a third over the entire history, and about a dozen by the time Wellington oversaw the move in the 1820s…which was why the move could finally happen.”  Kate waited to see if Maria made the connection between that and her earlier comments about the sealed volume of Ghost officers that Maria hadn’t seen.

 

“ _ They’re  _ the ones listed in the volume containing Gaston’s details as an undercover Officer?”

 

That question, decided Kate, was rhetorical, which was fortunate really as a moment later, her moblie phone rang.

  
  


“I’m fine.”  Osgood switched her phone from her left to right hand and shuffled on the couch so she was a little more comfortable, speaking before Kate had a chance to get a word in.  “I did go to sleep when you left, but woke up after a few minutes…” she explained, repositioning her glasses before taking a sip of her water. “...did you see my texts?”

 

“Which one?” Kate nodded at the Colonel, acknowledging her plan to go and see how Chen was doing.  “I saw the one about still being awake when I got here, but didn’t get a chance to reply.” She’d read Osgood’s message as she’d got out of the Land Rover.  “But haven’t looked since.” There was a separate question about how Osgood had known to ring Kate at a moment when she could actually answer the phone, but Kate was prepared to chalk that up to the universe obliging with a small piece of good fortune until Osgood explained it differently.  “What’s up?”

 

“The diversion, as of two minutes ago.”  Osgood picked up her discarded laptop and studied the screen.  “I couldn’t understand why the diversion hadn’t worked but we’ve completed a remote system reset and it’s back up.”  She put the laptop aside again, finding that the screen was starting to make her eyes hurt. “So you shouldn’t get anymore visitors.”  She took her glasses off and put them in her lap. “But the already here ones are staying.” Putting the diversion back up was the unscheduled space-traveller equivalent of locking burglars inside the house they were stealing from.

 

“We?  And thank you.”  Kate knew that others in the Science Teams would have found the issue eventually, but was certain that Osgood’s intervention had ensured the protection was restored sooner rather than later.  How long the diversion had been offline and what else had happened during its downtime were excellent questions she’d ask once they’d resolved their current visitor situation.

 

“McGillop’s at the Tower, his mother-in-law is staying for the week.”  Osgood wasn’t sure to what extent Kate was aware of McGillop’s trials with his mother-in-law, but her stays always coincided with him attempting to set a new record for non-crisis associated overtime. “He’s waiting for Chen to release two of Troop to escort Hertens on an inspection and further test.”

 

“Hertens?  But he...” Kate had learned to avoid his lab as, while a quite brilliant chemist by all accounts, she apparently made him so nervous he started to drop things which, given he was usually working with at least one explosive compound, wasn’t ideal.  She therefore wasn’t sure he would be her first pick to be doing diagnostics on sensitive equipment at height, .

 

“... Completed the field responder course last month,” reminded Osgood pointedly, the unspoken ‘which is more than you have done’ clearly ‘heard’ by Kate who had insisted on not being given an exemption as Chief Scientific Officer when the course had been updated last year.  Unfortunately, she hadn’t actually managed to attend the course either, though two of her three cancellations were due to last minute alien shinanigens and the third was, well, best just thought of as ‘classified’ which was why, as Osgood had pointed out more than once by now, Kate should have just taken the exemption in the first place.   “He came top of the group, so please congratulate him, but when he’s not up a ladder.” Osgood wasn’t sure what it was about Kate that made him so nervous, and wasn’t sure what would fall, Edward ‘Teddy’ Hertens or the sensors, if he had to cope with talking to Kate at the same time. She also wasn’t sure which Troop would prioritise catching, scientist or sensor, though she suspected the answer would probably be neither as they’d instead protect Greyhound One from being fallen on.

 

“Will do.  Any idea why it was down?  The network I mean?”

 

“Not yet.  McGillop’s having a look…”  Osgood was surprised by a yawn, which triggered an immediate second yawn.

 

“Will you try to sleep again?” asked Kate gently, her tone immediately shifting as she forgot about sensor networks and worried about her battered lover.  “Or at least try to watch TV rather than your laptop?” Kate glanced at her watch, working out that the yawns probably meant Os had taken her next pills a few minutes ago.  This particular medication seemed to act like a sleeping pill on Osgood, as she consistently fell asleep a few minutes after taking it, though as she recovered she then slept for less time each dose.  It was therefore why she was also always given sleeping pills in case she then had trouble sleeping at night, but Kate also knew that Os ignored them.

 

“Yeah…”  Osgood was sounding sleepier by the second. “...don’ need to try…”

 

“Hang up Os…” encouraged Kate, keeping an alert eye on Maria and Chen who were clearly trying to work out how to release some of Troop to help Hertens with the checks, their tactical training no doubt making them even more keen to know what was going on with the sensors than the scientists were.

 

“M’kay…”  Osgood took the phone away from her ear and looked at it sleepily for a moment.  “Bye bye…” And, with a very un-Osgood-like imprecision, she clumsily swiped at the phone handset in an attempt to ‘hang up’ before her mobile fell into her lap and she fell asleep.

  
  
  


Putting her phone away in the pocket of her jeans, Kate turned away from watching the Colonel and Chen and looked out into the lion exhibit, trying to spot Gaston.  She knew it was a foolish task, but it was that or start making a nuisance of herself asking questions that she already knew no one could answer until after Hertens had completed the inspections, confirmation of which would only increase her rising irritability.

 

“Pull yourself together Lethbridge…” she muttered to herself as she spotted a snoozing lion comfortably settled in the far distance of the enclosure, making her wonder if Os had managed to fall asleep in a semi-comfortable position, knowing the real reason for her irritation was that she was always on a shorter fuse when she was worried about her family.  “...get this sorted and it’s home via the Tower and the take-aw-AH!”

 

Her shout of surprise was short and sharp as barely a split-second later she’d realised it was just Gaston returning. Still, it was loud enough to attract Chen and Maria, although not quickly enough for Chen’s body-worn camera to capture the moment when Gaston none-to-gently head-butted the underside of her jaw as he misjudged his landing.  It wasn’t difficult however to work out what had happened when they saw Gaston rubbing his head and Kate gingerly moving her jaw, clearly checking she was still in one piece.

 

“That’s going to bruise…” muttered Chen, having had a punch or two in the jaw over his UNIT career courtesy of a few of their less friendly unauthorised alien visitors, before remembering his duty.  “Dr Stewart?” Jogging over to her, he wasn’t sure if Gaston would need a zoo vet or UNIT field medic. “Do either of you need a medic Ma’am?”

 

“I’m fine Chen…”  Kate opened and closed her mouth a couple of times more, wanting to make sure that if she wasn’t fine, it was ignorable.  “Gaston?” She could feel him still on her shoulder so she hoped he was also mostly alright.

 

“I am sorry…”  Gaston stopped rubbing his head and gave himself a shake.  “...that should not have happened.” He peered at her chin, then reached out and with the same delicate touch he had used to remove the bits of pollen and dust from her hair, felt his way around her jaw.  

 

“I’m fine Gaston,” said Kate quietly when his gentle probing stopped, more concerned about this second ‘landing error’ from the elderly alien and suspecting it suggested there was something wrong with his eyesight that he was still too proud to admit to.  “More worried about you.” She reached up with her right hand and carefully lifted him down from her left shoulder so she could hold him where she could see him. Pulling her glasses out from the pocket on the front of her shirt, she shook them open and put them on, enabling her to see Gaston more clearly.  “How are the hearing aids?”

 

“Working well…”  He hadn’t thought about the effect hitting his head might have on them, but he could hear her and the birds quite clearly.  Reaching up, he again felt behind his ears to check that everything was how it should be and smoothed down his slightly ruffled fur.  “...but I cannot hear your stomach.”

 

“Chen gave me a flapjack,” retorted Kate, deciding he was probably unscathed by the mishap if he was still able to make personal remarks like that.

 

“So I see.”  Gaston had spotted some crumbs caught on her top and reached out to collect them, tasting them with interest.  “Sweet.” He liked sweet foods. Remembering she had called the one wearing all black ‘Chen’, he turned around on her hand so he could see this ‘Chen’.  “Very Pleasant.”

 

“Thank you Sir.”  Chen wasn’t sure if the compliment was directed at him or his flapjack, but was fortunately open-minded enough to not be bothered either way.

 

“Are you the Constable Chen?”

 

“No Sir.. I’m a Lieutenant.”  

 

“That’s your cue Colonel…” prompted Kate, taking off her glasses and putting them back in her shirt pocket, wanting to pre-empt any further confusion.  “Gaston, may I introduce Colonel Maria Walsh, the Constable of the Tower.”

 

“Ma’am.”  Standing up on Kate’s hand, Gaston delivered a textbook British Army salute, only to then coil his tail tightly around her forearm in spite of his arthritis and hang upside down.  

 

Despite the pain he was feeling, he then completed a short sequence of arm and leg movements while making a series of noises Maria could only think to describe in her report afterwards as shrieks, clicks and the occasional burp before the big finish - what sounded like a hiccup.  It was the dedication to respect the Constable’s authority that he had, as a courtesy, given to each Constable that he met, even though it was only the first one that had really been necessary.

 

He then, somehow, managed to turn himself back upright and used Kate’s shirt to return to her shoulder, his tail once more draping itself across the back of her neck.

 

“Thank you Sir.”  Maria had no idea what had just happened, but she decided to retreat to the relative safety of military protocol and stood at attention, snapping off a crisp salute she hoped Wellington would have been proud of, despite her not being in uniform.  “It’s an honour to have an Officer of your experience with us for this.” Clearly she’d said the right thing as Gaston appeared to stand up a little taller and Kate gave her a nod and a wink.

 

“Now we’ve got the formalities out of the way…”  Kate had never understood what the translation of Gaston’s dedication was, but she was always glad that he considered Earth Alpha (what all humans spoke from his perspective) to be a simple language with easily learned dialects (the individual languages from her perspective) and was very happy to only use his native language on formal occasions, with no expectation of UNIT personnel learning it - she had no idea how to either burp or hiccup on demand, unlike the boys who could do both.  “...can I go greet our visitor?”


	3. Chapter 3

“Dr Stewart?”  

 

Maria Walsh wasn’t usually a hoverer, but she wasn’t all that certain she was a welcome interruption to whatever had preoccupied Kate Stewart her since the battle of wills between her and Gaston about whether she should go into the Elephant House with him half an hour ago.  Currently, Gaston was inside the Elephant House with Chen and a couple of Troop, while Greyhound One was outside with the Colonel and a couple more members of Troop, though whether their relationship to Greyhound One was that of a protective or restraining force had been left open to interpretation.  Troop and Gaston considered it to be important to protect Greyhound One from the still undetermined potential threat posed by their visitor, but Maria was certain that Kate Stewart was probably feeling contained rather than protected.

 

“Hmm?”  Looking back over her shoulder, Kate waited for the update, only to see that her usually confident Colonel was behaving like an incredibly nervous scientist about to confess to blowing up a lab.  “I won’t bite Maria…” Turning her head back, she resumed her quiet, thoughtful observation of the two Tapirs who, like she had been earlier in the garden, were taking the opportunity to potter about their outdoor space working out what was what in the final moments of the late afternoon sunshine.  It was, for the usually nocturnal Tapir, the equivalent of an early morning potter.

 

“Sorry…”  Maria moved forwards and stood next to her boss, not quite having the nerve to lean forwards on the fence like Kate had, still prepared for some sort of strip tearing dressing down.  “We could have handled that better.”

 

“Practice makes perfect…” Kate watched as the adult Malayan Tapir put up a token defence in the face of her offspring having the same interest in a particular patch of grass, before moving aside so the child could snuffle its way through the grass.  Kate allowed herself a moment’s foolishness, imagining that the Mother had actually set up the competition deliberately - perhaps the Tapir equivalent of tricking a small Gordy into eating his vegetables. “...and this job doesn’t give us much practice.”  The scientist in her knew that the adult Tapir’s ‘long-suffering’ expression was purely her projecting human emotions onto their distinctive facial features with the long nose and flexible top lip. Still, their easy acceptance that they should be content with whatever was in the grassy patch in the shadows did suggest that it was a familiar situation.  “Unlike these two perhaps…”

 

“Reminds me of getting my youngest to eat fruit.”  Maria saw the smaller Tapir, losing interest in the first patch of grass, go and investigate what the larger one was investigating again.  “Wouldn’t touch it if offered, but the minute his brother started to eat some, he wanted his own piece after all.”

 

“I think that’s something that unites most mothers…”  The Adult Tapir turned around, as if looking straight at them.  “...she might even agree…” joked Kate, knowing that the Malayan Tapir’s eyesight was not the greatest and their voices had probably attracted her attention, perhaps not used to having an audience while her offspring was out exploring.  “And you don’t need to apologise.”

 

“With respect Dr Stewart, I’m not apologising for insisting that you wait for Troop to secure the scene.”  But, thought Maria, she would be working out how they could improve their way of insisting once she got a moment, as she wasn’t sure they would have been successful without Gaston’s blunt intervention.

 

“I know.”  Kate turned away from the tapirs and looked at Maria, although she remained propped up against the fence.  “I’m not annoyed.” Kate sensed the tensing and controlled relaxing of Maria’s stance, a ‘tell’ she had learned to interpret as the Colonel finding Kate hard to agree with.  “I’m not annoyed with anyone here, or Troop…” she amended, acknowledging that the Colonel had been correct to pick up on her mood. “Or anything to do with UNIT.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Honestly?  I was thinking about the ‘evil flower bed’.”  Kate leaned back against the fence separating the tapirs enclosure from everywhere else and, eyes closed, she lifted her face up to catch the final rays of sunshine for a second, before looking with amusement at the clearly confused Colonel.  “It’s what Osgood calls the flowerbed next to the waterbutt.”

 

“Why is it evil?”

 

“Not sure.”  Kate angled her head so she didn’t have to squint due to the sunlight.  “There’s something that makes Os sneeze, but I can’t work out what it is…”  She’d been working her way through all the plants she could remember being in the flowerbed, mentally crossing off all the ones she knew were planted elsewhere in the garden without causing any issue for Osgood.  “So it’s probably in next door’s garden…” Why had it taken her almost a decade to think of that option? “Still…” Her attention was caught by one of the soldiers that had gone into the Elephant House with Chen and Gaston reappearing, apparently with a message for them as another of the soldiers was now jogging in their direction.  “...seems like we’re wanted.”

 

“Yes Corporal?”

 

“Message from the Lieutenant Ma’am.”  He blinked and swallowed, hoping they understood the crazy message.  “Do either of you speak German, and if not, could you bring a translator with you.”  He swallowed again, realising he’d forgotten the most important part of the message. “Situation’s contained, visitor is currently friendly.  Ma’am.”

 

“Thank you Corporal.”  Maria looked at Kate, knowing they both spoke German, wondering what her decision would be.

  
“Gut, danke Corporal. Sollen wir unseren Gast treffen?”

 

It took Maria a moment to register that Kate had not only remembered she spoke German, but had already switched to it as she posed the question ‘shall we go and meet our guest?’ Nodding, she cursed herself for not anticipating that Greyhound One would be setting off immediately.

 

“Corporal?”

 

“Yes Colonel?”

 

“That’s German for Greyhound One’s on her way, no translator necessary.”

 

“Understood Ma’am.”  


	4. Chapter 4

“Umm…”  Lt Chen cleared his throat nervously, not sure what he was going to do if Kate Stewart didn’t acknowledge him in some way.  Was prodding allowed? A tap on the shoulder? Did he call a medic? She couldn’t be asleep, could she? “Dr Stewart?”

 

“Yes?”  Sighing heavily, Kate opened her eyes and looked at him, waiting to see what new disaster or adventure had befallen them.

 

Bank Holiday Sundays really weren’t supposed to be like this.   

 

“Water?”  Nervously, Chen held out the bottle of water he’d brought in for her - if he was honest with himself, he wasn’t really expecting her to take it, expecting instead for her to see through the gesture for the ruse it was - an excuse to not ask her how she was doing.

 

“Thanks…”  Reaching out, not yet ready to find the energy to stand up without the support of the elephant proof pole she was currently leaning against, Kate took the bottle and sipped from it, still deep in thought.  It wasn’t that she’d been expecting to have a Bank Holiday weekend that was all barbeques and Bridge, that would have been a bit pedestrian for her even before she became Greyhound One, but this... this had been definitely beyond anything that might be confused with ‘normal’.  Nowhere in any of her father’s files or papers was there anything that might have prepared her for this, and even if there had been, she’d have probably struggled to believe it. Still, she should probably be grateful that the Universe threw her a non-lethal curve ball….small mercies and all.

 

“...are there photos?” she recapped the bottle and looked at him thoughtfully, her head canted to the side as she slowly rubbed her neck, trying not to wince at the stiffness she was starting to feel in her face.  Gaston’s skull was small but it was hard and had made firm contact with her jaw when he’d landed badly earlier. And that was before she was, well, whatever it was that ‘Euphonium’ did.

 

“Umm…”  Chen wanted to deflect the question to someone else, but with the Colonel and Gaston now on their way to Whipsnade with their visitors, there wasn’t anyone else to deflect it to.  “Should there be?” The standing orders to Troop were clear - no one took photographs with a personal device while on duty, though many of them wore cameras of various sorts on their tactical vests to help with the general data collection for the scientists as well as general security.  He couldn’t remember seeing anyone using a phone or tablet to take a private photograph, but he was fairly certain some official photographs would have been taken at some point by the scientists - they usually were. “I’m sorry Dr Stewart…” Embarrassed by his failure to maintain his awareness of the broader situation, he started to apologise for letting her down.  “I should have been more aware of the situation…”

 

“What? Oh no….”  Kate hadn’t meant for him to apologise - there was nothing to apologise for.  “That’s not what I meant.” Putting aside the water bottle, Kate went to stand up properly, only to yelp in discomfort when she tried to move her legs..

 

“Ma’am!”  Concerned, Chen dived forwards ready to catch her if she fell rather than just slumped back against the post she was leaning against - how had he missed her being injured.

 

“Relax Chen…” encouraged Kate, biting her lip with the discomfort but looking otherwise unperturbed by her situation.  “Cramp.” She looked down at her leg, considering her jeans which, in between the darker, soil coloured streaks from when she’d wiped her hands on her thighs during her gardening, were some paler, dusty paw prints.  “Euphonium didn’t exactly watch where she put her feet.” Leaning forwards slightly, she stretched her arms and neck, trying to shake off some more of her overall stiffness while she tentatively stretched her foot and calf until the cramp had eased.  “Can’t object really.” 

 

It had turned out that Gaston wasn’t the only one experiencing age-related ailments, with their main visitor also suffering arthritis type symptoms and very severe short-sightedness.  Based on how near to the end of Kate’s nose she’d had to get to see her clearly, Kate had decided she was probably even more short-sighted than Osgood. “It certainly gave her tactical advantage during the negotiations...”  Between Gaston sitting on her shoulder and head, and Euphonium’s forelimbs (Kate still couldn’t decide if they were ‘arms’ or ‘legs’, and was still struggling to use the visitor’s name without thinking about brass bands) resting on various bits of her anatomy, Kate was feeling disproportionately battered and bruised given the friendliness of the negotiations once their visitor’s space sickness had passed.  Her ‘luggage’ had turned out to be her class of students who were less accomplished travellers and had immediately set about sleeping off the side effects.

 

“We had the shot Ma’am.”  Chen knew she knew that, as he’d been stood in her eyeline throughout the initially tense and then more relaxed and amicable conversation that had taken place between Greyhound One and the large visitor, but he felt like he needed to remind himself of it.

 

“I know Chen.”  Smiling at him, Kate mentally counted to three and forced herself to stand up, knowing the sooner she did so the sooner she’d get to the Tower and then, ultimately, home again.  “And I knew she was friendly.”

 

“How?”  He’d asked before he’d realised he’d probably shouldn’t challenge her like that, but before he could stammer out his apologies she was grinning and shaking off the last of her pins and needles, apparently re-energised.

 

“Did I know she was friendly?” she asked, checking she’d not left anything on the floor when she’d stood up properly, missing his nod but continuing anyway.  “I learned a long time ago to tell the difference between myopia and murder.” Realising her glasses were actually perched on the top of her head rather than left on the floor, Kate retrieved them.  “But speaking of murder…”

 

“Ma’am?”  Chen found it hard to imagine Osgood looking murderously at anyone, nevermind Kate Stewart, but did manage to stop himself voicing that opinion, just.

 

“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.”  Kate put her glasses safely in her shirt pocket and then tried to brush some of the dust off herself while checking she was only bruised.  “Not even Geneva…” she muttered, mostly to herself though it was still loud enough for Chen to hear.

 

“Ma’am?” She’d managed to confuse him - he’d thought she was talking about….actually he had no idea what she was talking about, but it sounded like she was quoting someone.  “Did the Doctor say that?” Chen had never met any regeneration of the Doctor, but it did sound a bit like the sorts of things the Doctor had said based on the reports Chen had seen.

 

“Mark Twain actually.”  She’d not really known much about the American author until her father had decided to read The Adventures of Tom Sawyer to six year old Gordy as a bedtime story, at which point, still sceptical about her father’s judgement, she’d borrowed a copy from the library and read it herself.  On the helpful librarian’s recommendation, she’d also borrowed a volume of his short stories to try and, much to her surprise but also delight over the subsequent years, found his blend of sarcastic wit and wry observation helped her discover and retain her own sense of humour. Joining UNIT had added a surreal and absurdist dimension and she kept expecting to find reference to him in the Black Archive but she hadn’t found it yet.  “But who knows who said it to him…”

 

If Chen spotted the potential double meaning of her comment, he was too polite or confused by the whole conversation to mention it, and instead stuck to more practical matters.  “The car’s ready when you are Dr Stewart.” With Colonel Walsh now escorting their visitors to the Zoo’s Whipsnade location, which was where they should have arrived at in the first place, there was nothing more for Kate to do at the zoo this evening.  “And you’re expected by Tower Medical.” 

 

“Best get it over with...”  muttered Kate, nodding in thanks at the update and setting off slowly towards the elephant house exit, feeling sore and stiff and looking forward to washing away the grime and grit she was feeling even if it was going to be with the far from soothing cold water decontamination shower.   Perhaps Os might be awake and able to run her a bath…

 

* * *

  
  


“‘Ello?”

 

“Did I wake you?” Kate nodded in thanks to Chen, glad not to have to manhandle the heavy reinforced bulletproof Land Rover door herself, and sank into the back seat, sighing in relief when the door closed and it was just her and Jenkins.

 

“No.”  Osgood blinked and straightened her glasses that were sitting properly askew on her nose and reached for the remote, muting the sound.  “Maybe.” She considered the now in focus screen and tried to work out what she was apparently now watching. “It’s now sharks.” She turned the screen off.  “So yes. But that’s okay.”

 

“Sharks?”  Kate trapped her phone between her ear and shoulder while she put her seatbelt on, the edge of the phone digging into the bruise that Gaston had given her, causing her to breathe in sharply.  “Are you watching Jaws?” She couldn’t think of a less probable film for Osgood to watch, but knew better than to say so as painkillers did make Os a bit unpredictable, both in terms of what she became interested in and mood.

 

“David Attenborough.”  Osgood’s ‘huff’ was loud and clear and made Kate very glad that Jenkins was using the blue lights to get them to the Tower in extra quick time.  “And I’d picked an episode that was turtles.” Osgood carefully swung her feet down from the couch so she was sitting up and looked at her watch, noting the time.  “And seem to have missed the one about penguins.” Back-to-back television episodes on auto-play did make it easy to work out how long she must have been asleep for, and perhaps explained some of the dream she was maybe starting to remember.  “How’s it going?” 

 

“Done, for me at least.”  Kate looked at the digital clock on the car’s onboard computer and winced when she heard her stomach growling now she knew how many hours had passed since she’d eaten Chen’s flapjack.  “I’m on my way to the Tower. Should be on my way home in an hour…you still fancy a takeaway? I could pick it up on my way…” The bath was still in the plan for what was left of the evening, but her stomach was reminding her about her girlfriend’s newly rediscovered appetite, and that was now her priority,

 

“No…”  Osgood frowned, that not quite sounding right.  “Yes, but…”

 

“No?” teased Kate gently, knowing that the painkillers Os was on made her a bit fuzzy at the best of times, nevermind when she’d been rudely woken by Kate calling her.

 

“Yes.”  Osgood sighed when she realised she’d just fallen into the same trap again.  “I mean…” She closed her eyes and thought carefully about what exactly it was she did mean, then opened them again and started talking.  “Takeaway sounds good, I’m feeling hungry.” Osgood blinked, surprised by her own announcement, still not fully adjusted to having her appetite back and the nausea mostly gone.

 

“But?”  Kate shifted in the seat so she could extract her pass from her jeans pocket so she was prepared when Jenkins pulled up to the Tower - on a Sunday evening with Jenkins driving and using the blue lights and bus lanes, the journey between two of London’s more famous landmarks didn’t take very long and she didn’t want to be unprepared when they arrived.

 

“Come home and I’ll phone for delivery.”  Osgood listened to her normally quiet stomach gurgle in what she thought was a rather good impression of her girlfriend’s more vocal hungry monster.  “The Thai place?” 

 

“Khao whatsit would be lovely.”  Kate could never remember what it was that she had, but recognised it from the ingredients if she was ordering in person, or because it was circled on the old paper menu that they kept in the drawer of the hall table, with the other couple of takeaway menus they favoured.  “Or whatever you want from wherever.” Kate was just glad Os was feeling hungry again - that meant she was well on the way to recovery, and staying awake a bit more, and further reason for Kate to detour to the Tower rather than go straight home - she did not want to trigger Os having a relapse.

 

“You, home.”  Osgood closed her eyes again and bit her lip, cross with herself for being clingy and whining.  “Sorry…” She knew Kate had meant the question in the context of what she wanted to eat for supper.  “...that mild chicken noodle thing Gordy used to get.”

 

“Nothing to be sorry about…”  Kate looked down at her clothes, taking a deep breath as she did so.  “And I’m covered in dust, dirt and alien dribble.” Despite all the progress that alien civilisations and cultures made with technology, none had quite worked out how to capture aroma in an archivable way, so Kate always found herself surprised by the smells that accompanied various alien encounters, and how often she ended up being classified as a biohazard as a result.

 

“Aliens are messy,” summarised Osgood succinctly, wrinkling her nose as she remembered some past encounters of her own.  “Not you.” She took her glasses off and began to polish them with the cleaning cloth she kept in her pocket. “And not Gaston.”  Although he caused her allergy issues, Osgood didn’t remember the elderly alien agent as anything other than fastidious - it wasn’t his fault his fur made her wheeze.  He now understood, when he met her, to not use her as a climbing frame like he did Kate.

 

“Yes me...”  Kate sighed, knowing she must smell quite pungent as well as looking a mess.  “...I’m just grateful Jenkins’ is too much of a gentleman to point out I stink.”

 

“He knows how to use the air system.”  

 

Osgood was proud of the air systems that were fitted to the UNIT fleet of vehicles including the Aston Martin and BMW that were parked in the garage and on the drive respectively.  It had been one of her first self-set projects at the Tower, being horrified by the first incident report she’d read which had matter-of-factly set out how ill-equipped UNIT had been to cope with the particulates released by whatever alien had their turn at making mischief the week before.

 

“Are you saying I’m smelly?”

 

“Upwind.”  Os frowned, seemingly glaring at the unlit fireplace as she tried to untangle herself despite the bit of fuzziness she still couldn’t quite shift, and that reminded her the pain medication was still delivering quite a punch to her system despite her returning appetite.   She knew that the smells travelled down wind, so in order to avoid experiencing a smell, you had to not be downwind from the source… and the opposite of down was up but... “No, down...wait, no…”

 

“Downwind.”  Despite not being able to see her girlfriend, Kate could clearly picture Os’ frown as she battled with her sluggish brain’s reminder of the pain medication related fog it was dealing with.  “I’d be smelly if you’ were downwind relative to me. And stop glaring at the fireplace.”

 

“I…”  Osgood stopped trying to disagree with Kate - it was a waste of thinking energy, especially when she’d picked up on the slightly off tone in her girlfriend’s voice.  “...you’re hurt.”

 

“I’m stiff and sore...” corrected Kate gently, missing Jenkins’ blink of surprise when he heard her: she was too tired and sore from the day’s gardening to try to hide how worn out she was after a few hours of alien negotiation.  “...from the gardening.” By now her plan for the day had seen her having a long soak in a warm bath, rather than a long conversation with a large leonine kangaroo, or was it a marsupial bipedal lion?

 

“Just the gardening?” Osgood had learned long ago that Lethbridge-Stewarts did not answer direct questions about discomfort with comprehensive direct answers.  At best they gave a partial answer, but usually they generally attempted to deflect the question completely.

 

“I’m fine,” promised Kate, meaning it for once.  “A bit battered and bruised from the pruning.” She didn’t think Gaston’s headbutt had done any long term damage, and Euphonium had kept her teeth and her claws to herself very well, but all in all, Kate’s Sunday had ended up being rather more physically wounding than she’d anticipated when she’d woken up and decided to tidy the garden as a way of not fussing over Os.  “But if it makes you feel better, Medical are giving me the once o…” Her brain caught up with her mouth and she stopped talking in a rush, but it was too late.

 

“Ka-ate…”  It was rare that Osgood elongated her girlfriend’s name, even rarer for her to do it in that sort of low growly groan that she’d just used, but ‘once over’ was not part of the standard decontamination protocol.  It meant an extra, addition check-up and series of tests that was now needed because of something that had happened since Kate had been collected by the Colonel, something that Kate wasn’t telling her about.

 

“I…”  Kate almost put her foot in her mouth again by downplaying and dismissing Osgood’s concerns but corrected herself: the part of her that was still clearly able to remember Tuesday and seeing Os unconscious in the lab was, for once, able to silence her ‘everything’s fine, carry on’ mindset that normally carried her through whatever situations Greyhound One became caught up in.  “I was sat on.”

 

“Just sat on?”  Osgood adjusted her glasses as she waited for Kate to continue, surprised by how quickly she’d managed to coax some sort of explanation out of her girlfriend, though experience told her this was just the start of it.

 

“The being sneezed on was accidental.”  Euphonium had been extremely embarrassed when she’d discovered that the blob she’d thought was a holographic light projection had been solid and was actually organic and sentient, though Kate had just been relieved that their visitor’s immediate reaction hadn’t then involved weapons fire.  “But the licking and sniffing was not.” It was the sneezing and licking that was the reason she now had to have the ‘once over’ from Medical as there was only so much the field team’s sensors could detect.

 

“Licked and sniffed?”  Osgood wasn’t sure she’d heard her girlfriend correctly.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Where?”  Osgood wasn’t yet sure how knowing where Kate had been licked influenced her feelings towards the licker, but it felt like it might be something she should know.

 

“In the Elephant House.”  That, Kate knew, was not the answer she was supposed to give, even before she heard Os’ huff.  “My neck…” Kate knew that there had been a split second when she’d wondered if this was going to be a rather extreme way of proving that the ‘go for the jugular’ instinct was genuinely universal.  “...some sort of cultural acknowledgment of subordinate guest and honoured visitor status. Gaston’s lion wasn’t fluent enough to properly translate the dialect and Euphonium’s German wasn’t up to a more precise explanation.”  That the visitor spoke any Earth Alpha dialects was fairly miraculous, and since neither Kate nor Maria Walsh could speak anything other than Earth Alpha, it felt rather callous to be criticising their visitor’s German.

 

“Euphonium?”  Osgood wasn’t sure how to react to the news that her girlfriend’s neck had been thoroughly licked by an unknown female sharing a name with a sizable brass instrument, whether it be in the name of intergalactic diplomacy or something more basic.  She did however know that she didn’t like to share.

 

“Chen’s finding me the pictures for you,” promised Kate, knowing that it was pointless trying to describe what had happened without them, but also relying on Osgood being amused rather than angry when she saw them - Geneva wasn’t the only place Kate was hoping that a willingness to be laughed at and an appreciation of the absurd helped diffuse any anger and fury before it had built.  “And she’s very sorry to not meet you.” There was a part of Kate that was quietly noticing Osgood’s almost jealousy but it was being out-voted by her inner-scientist reminding her about her girlfriend’s inner-scientist wanting to gather more information. Precise information and data was always important, and denial was a river in Egypt…..

 

“Meet me?”  Osgood repositioned her glasses, not sure how she’d come into the conversation with their unscheduled visitor.  “How does she even know about me?”

 

“Jacobson’s organ without obvious Flehmen.”  It was comments like that which caught out people like Jenkins who often forget that Kate was first and foremost a scientist, and a biologist at that.

 

“You mean the licking?” translated Osgood, recalling that the Jacobson organ was something that was in the mouth and nose area of some animals and helped them to analyse scents, though she couldn’t remember anything more than that.  Nor did she think she’d ever known anything about Flehmen.

 

“Yes.  Interestingly present in both lion and wallaby species, though only the lions definitely have a Flehmen response that we know of, making its absence here notable...”  Kate rarely got the opportunity to ‘science’ as General Bambera often put it, with it being even rarer for her to get the opportunity to ‘science’ in her specialist field of genetics and evolutionary traits.  “...given the other dominant leonine characteristics, it potentially raises the question of whether the Flehmen response is psychological or biochemical in origination.”

 

“What do you mean?” Osgood was too fuzzy from her nap and medication to try and work out what Kate was telling her, and too grumpy about this presumptive female licking  _ her  _ girlfriend’s extremely lickable neck to be patient and wait for photographs to help her understand for herself.

 

“If it looks like a lion and licks like a lion at the front end, it would be reasonable to assume it also…” Kate was going to say ‘grimaces’ which was the usual way of describing the way a lion held its mouth open so that the chemicals contained in a smell could be directed towards the right part of its palate where the receptor cells of the Jacobson organ was located.  But there was something in Os’ tone that made her decide to go for the less accurate but also less aggressive sounding description. “...yawns like a lion so the chemoreception can occur.”

 

“So she yawned like a kangaroo?” asked Osgood, finding the idea of a yawning kangaroo quite amusing, though her smile quickly became a yawn in a way that thinking about yawning often triggered an actual yawn.  And yawning made her feel sleepy again, even though she’d spent most of the day asleep.

 

“Kangaroos don’t have a Flehmen response, so she didn’t yawn at all…” explained Kate kindly, seeing they were just pulling up to the Tower but also hearing Os yawn again.  “...unlike you…” she prompted gently, not having thought that she might be deliberately nudging her girlfriend into having another snooze by bringing up yawning but realising it was no bad thing.  “...I’m at the Tower…” As she spoke, Kate held up her ID so that the soldier on guard could see her and her ID through the now open window that Jenkins had lowered once he’d satisfied himself that all was as it should be at the guardpost.  “...and will be home soon.”

 

“M’kay…”  Now she was yawning, Os was finding it difficult to stop.  Knowing that Kate was at the Tower and so would be on her way home again soon only made it easier for Osgood to give in to her body’s latest demand for a nap, negotiating with herself that if she napped now she could be more awake when Kate came home with the photographs of this too-friendly tuba who at least understood that Kate’s neck was Osgood’s to lick, not hers.  “...sleepy…”

 

“Have another nap then…” encouraged Kate as Jenkins coaxed the big Land Rover through the small vehicle gate, “...and I’ll be home with dinner soon…”  She’d been expecting an argument when she’d changed their plans back to her getting dinner on the way home rather than Os ordering something. Instead she heard her girlfriend muttering what sounded like ‘my neck to lick’ in what was an unexpectedly sweet display of Os’ rarely seen possessiveness.  “Yes it is…” she agreed quietly, ending the phone call when she heard that Os was fast asleep again, knowing that Osgood’s mobile phone would automatically end the call when Kate ended it at her end.

 

“Dr Stewart?”  Jenkins parked the big Land Rover precisely by the door into the UNIT section of the Tower which, presumably alerted by the Gate, was opening to reveal the expected medical team standing by.

 

“Yes Tommy?”  Kate didn’t normally call him by his first name, but he didn’t normally say her name in that questioning way if they were about to have a conversation about transport logistics.

 

“That phlem response thing….”

 

“Flehmen response,” corrected Kate automatically, smiling in gentle encouragement for him to continue to ask his question - they’d overcome the problem of driver/passenger eavesdropping some years ago when Kate had bluntly told him that she assumed he heard everything she said but was selective about when and with whom he remembered what he’d heard.  It was a one-sided conversation they’d only needed to have the once - he’d heard her perfectly and selectively then and every journey after.

 

“The Flehmen response that lions have, do pet cats have it too?”

 

“Yes…”  Kate smirked as she dredged up what it was more commonly described as, a piece of trivia she must have last used when lecturing to undergraduates long before she started working for UNIT.  “...it’s often called stinky face. Have you and Gareth got a cat now?” Kate wasn’t certain he’d have mentioned it if he and his partner had acquired a pet, but she liked to think she would have remembered if he had.

 

“We’re looking after his Mum’s three and they make that stinky face look all the time in our flat.”

 

“Do your neighbours have pets?”  Kate could see the medical team were almost ready for her but, despite being keen to get home after her unscheduled afternoon’s work, she wasn’t overly keen to volunteer for the upcoming tests and semi-public cold shower that opened the decontamination process either. It therefore meant it was one of the few occasions in Tower life when Greyhound One actually waited for the rest of UNIT to be ready for her, rather than be one step ahead.

 

“Upstairs has a couple of cats and downstairs has a dog who’s just had puppies.”  Tommy knew she was waiting for the medical team to show they were ready, which was one of the reasons he’d asked her the question now rather than looking it up later on the internet or asking her on the way back to the Kennel, knowing she had a few moments.

 

“That’s the reason for the stinky faces then,” pointed out Kate, pleased she’d not had to dive even further back into her memories of almost forgotten lecturing. “Lots of interesting pheromones to sort through with that lot as neighbours.”  Kate saw his face relax, realising what his worry had been when she suddenly also remembered a passing comment that suggested Gareth’s mother hadn’t always been overly supportive of his choices. “It’s perfectly normal and not something you need to tell her when you drop them off - it’s got nothing to do with human housekeeping standards!”

 

“Thanks Dr Stewart!”  His grin gave away his relief - he’d hopefully find a second to text Gareth while he waited for her to be cleared by medical so she could go home.  He’d been worrying that it was something he was doing that was causing the rather extreme looking reaction - he wasn’t much of a cat lover at the best of times but knew it was a big deal when Gareth’s Mum had them to look after her prized cats.  “It looks like they’re ready for you now…”

 

“The things we do for love…” sighed Kate, not remotely bothered about him seeing her needing to pause and draw breath before getting out.  “At least this only takes a few minutes…” She put her hand on the door handle, preparing to step out and endure the chilly soaking, poking, prodding and ultimately being allowed to put on clean, allergen free clothes.  “...how long are you a cat hotel?”

 

“Three more weeks.”  It had only been four days so far, but he wasn’t going to start counting down the days until it was into single figures.

 

“Rather you than me,” declared Kate, not much of a cat fan based on her infrequent experiences with other people’s felines.  One day there might be an actual dog in their future, once life no longer involved quite so much rushing about with the ‘Dogs’ and they could find a breed that didn’t make Os wheeze: it rather ruined their shared idea of companionable meanders out and about with a dog to help keep them moderately hale and hearty if Osgood’s inhalers ran out faster.  “At least it’s not raining…” Kate opened the door and stuck a leg out, considering the sky, already braced for the inevitable false-cheer that the medical team automatically adopted as they took over.

 

Watching her disappear into the Tower surrounded by the mask wearing medics that he knew they were wearing because she expected them to treat the decontamination ‘properly’ and take it as a serious opportunity to practice, he glanced at the dashboard clock, making a note of the time.  Putting the car in gear, he drove it around to the far side where the vehicles were all maintained, wanting to swop it for another one to drive her home so that this one could be cleaned: as quick as they were at the vehicle equivalent of what Dr Stewart was going through right now, there was no way this car would be ready for her when she was done unless she became really distracted with her work.   Somehow though, as he parked up by the wash station so it was obvious what he wanted to happen with the Land Rover, he didn’t think she’d be any longer than she needed to be today… 


	5. Chapter 5

“Uh, excuse me?”

 

“Yes?”  Lt Chen stopped walking and waited to see what the guy from Medical might want - he’d not been expecting to see anyone in the corridor outside Greyhound One’s office.

 

“Dr Stewart, uh…”  He was new to the Medical team and wasn’t entirely convinced that this wasn’t some sort of initiation rite he was being subjected to by his colleagues.  “...do you know where she is?”

 

“Isn’t she in her office?” asked Chen, realising that if the new guy was walking towards him then either he didn’t have access to Greyhound One’s office yet (in which case why was he looking for her?) or she wasn’t there.”And it’s Javi right?”

 

“No.”  Seeing the soldier’s inscrutable expression twitch, Miguel Javi realised the mistake he’d just made.  “Sorry, yes, I’m Miguel Javi, started on Monday.” He stuck out his hand only to worry that maybe soldiers didn’t shake hands.

 

“Lt Chen…”  Chen switched the tablet he was carrying from his right hand to his left and shook the offered hand, recognising the name as being that of the new paramedic.  “You’re on ridealong with Troop next week.”

 

“Apparently.”  He looked down at the envelope he was holding.  “And I think someone thought it was a good idea for me to meet Dr Stewart…”  He looked up at Chen, glad that he’d met Chen. “...only she’s not in her office I don’t think.”

 

“You don’t think?”

 

“Is sitting behind a locked door with the lights off something usual?”  Miguel hadn’t yet met Dr Stewart and the only advice he’d got on the way from the lab was to not worry as long as the office door was open.

 

“Ah, then she’s not there,” agreed Chen, knowing that when she was in the Tower on the weekend like this, Kate Stewart worked with her office door open unless Fran was also in.  Chen was glad he’d gone to see Jenkins before setting off on his own hunt for Greyhound One as, now he knew she wasn’t in the most obvious place, he had somewhere else to look. “Best come with me then.  I’m also looking for her.”

 

“Oh.”  Miguel looked down at the envelope again, noting how it was firmly sealed up.  “Can’t I just give this to you to give to her?” he asked, giving into his nerves.

 

“I could…” agreed Chen, amused at the new paramedic’s obvious nervousness.  “...but then you still wouldn’t have met her yet.” He chuckled when he saw the colour drain from Javi’s cheeks, clearly Greyhound One’s reputation in Medical at the moment was emphasising her bark and her bite.  “Come on, she likes meeting new people.”

 

* * *

 

 

“And who are you?” asked Kate, not really expecting an answer to her question since, unless she was very much mistaken, the large bird now balancing on the top of the railing was one of the actual ravens.  “I know you’re not Onyx or Graphite…” Kate took another bite of her apple as she studied the bird, ruling out those two ‘regular’ ravens because they had distinctive pointy tail feathers. “...and you’re not Nero…”  He was a rather noisy raven who couldn’t keep his opinions to himself, much to the irritation of all the ravens, alien and avian, as apparently his conversation was very, very dull. She crunched her way through her mouthful of apple, enjoying the company of her ‘friend’.  “Ah, it’s you…” Swallowing the final bit of her mouthful, the raven finished turning around so Kate could see its left wing and the giveaway missing feather. “Hello Ebony, how are your feathers?”

 

“Ka….”  As if on cue, the raven wobbled slightly and stretched out its wings to help it regain its balance, revealing a healing cut on their left wing.

 

“You couldn’t do that last week,” continued Kate, enjoying the quiet calm of the tourist-free Tower, not finding the shrieking calls of the ravens disturbing or intrusive.  “Do you want some apple?”

 

“Kawk…”  Raven Ebony’s head bobbed and watched as Kate took a final bite from her apple and then broke the core in two.

 

“Here you go…”  She gently threw a piece of the core onto the ground a couple of feet in front of her - near enough that Ebony knew it was for her, but far enough from Kate that the still at times nervous young bird felt confident to grab  it. “...and you might get a second bit if Toby’s going to stay hiding.”

 

“Kaaw!”  There was a flutter of feathers as, out of the shadows underneath the bench she was sitting on, emerged a larger ‘raven’.

 

“Then stop behaving like you were hiding.”  Kate couldn’t help but smile at Toby’s attempts to look big and important - compared to Ebony he was a quite a bit larger, but he really was a big softie at heart and it seemed even the youngest raven had learned that.

 

“Ka-wk…”

 

“Ka-ka…”  Toby, unlike Kate, could properly understand Ebony and was now talking directly to her.

 

“Ka!”

 

“Ka…”  Toby moved over towards Ebony, clearly encouraging her to come closer to Kate.  He was aware of the soldier and stranger walking towards the Boss, but knew that the Boss, even when she noticed them, would still share her apple with them.  He just had to convince Ebony of that. “Kawk-ka.”

* * *

  
  


“There she is.”  Chen was curious to see what the new medic made of Kate Stewart.

 

“Are those birds attacking her?”

 

“No.”  Chen watched as the smaller of the two ravens had another go at landing on Dr Stewart’s shoulder.  “They know she’s the Boss...” Chen smiled when he saw the smaller one give up, only for the larger one to do another demonstration with an exaggerated wing-flap that was clearly what was missing.  “...and they’re not birds, they’re the Ravens.” Chen reached across and gently held Javi back, having recognised who the smaller raven was. “That’s Ebony, she’s new.” Chen watched as, Toby’s lesson completed, Ebony stretched her wings and then, with a final nervous ‘kaw!’ had another go at landing on Kate’s shoulder.  

 

“Tip top!” declared Kate quietly when she felt the gentle bite of Ebony’s claws on her shoulder, glad that in deference to the evening’s breeze she was wearing one of Troop’s ubiquitous black heavy fabric overshirts as well as the figure hugging t-shirt.  As long as Ebony didn’t panic and really dig her talons in, Kate’s shoulder wouldn’t have any evidence of its time as a perch. “Apple?” Kate held up the remainder of her apple core for Ebony to take in her beak if she wanted it.

 

“Ka-aaaw.”  Ebony moved to the apple but instead of taking it in her beak, pushed it away from her, pushing it in the general direction of Toby.  Despite not being able to translate the kaw, Kate understood what Ebony was wanting.

 

“If you’re sure….Toby?”  Kate moved her hand down.  “Stop preening and come and have the apple,” she teased, knowing that Toby was a gentle-hearted sort who quite literally took the younger ravens, alien and avian, under his wing.  “Or does dirt and dust increase the protein content?”

 

“Kwak!”

 

 

 

“It’s like they understand her…” marveled Javi, watching as the large Raven she was calling ‘Toby’ opened up his wings to their fullest span and with seemingly no effort whatsoever, in a single flap raised himself onto her leg.  “...and her them…” he continued, seeing the Raven settle himself on her thigh and, with a quick movement or two of his head, had her turn the apple core around.

 

“Kaw-ka.”  Toby, just before he took the core in his beak, moved his wings about in a way that always reminded Chen of semaphore.

 

“Of course you can share it with Percy.  Say hello to him for me.” 

 

Kate tried to remember what her diary was like for the coming week, knowing it had been longer than she generally liked since she’d last had a proper catch up with the alien ‘Ravens’.  She’d ask Fran to make sure they were invited to her office for ‘tea’ as soon as possible - like many of the visitors to Kate’s office, they were fascinated by the Crown Jewels that filled the display cabinets, and for the alien Ravens, it was an opportunity to indulge their love of all things bright and sparkling, something they had in common with their avian ‘cousins’.  “And to the others too - please let them know I’m trying to arrange some time to have you for ice creams.” Ice cream was an Earth food they thoroughly enjoyed but were cautious about indulging in - it did rather blow their cover as conventional corvids if they were seen eating ice cream sundaes and trying to keep their feathers from getting too sticky generally required them to wear waistcoat type aprons which also rather ruined the avian illusion that was otherwise so convincing.  

 

“Kawk!”  Toby bobbed his head up and down enthusiastically at the suggested invitation - they all enjoyed visiting the Boss’ office and they all loved ice cream.  The opportunity to do both together would definitely please them all. “Kaw kaw?” He’d been about to take the apple and go and find Percy to tell him the news, when he saw Ebony still standing carefully on the Boss’ shoulder.  He didn’t want to completely abandon his young charge, but he did also want to share his chunk of apple and tell his fellow ‘Ravens’ the news.

 

“Ebony and I will be fine,” promised Kate, looking sideways at the calm raven who had managed to relax enough that Kate could no longer feel her talons shifting forwards and backwards as Ebony tried to catch her balance without opening her wings out.  It wouldn’t have been the first time that Kate had been smacked in the head with a raven wing or had her ear nipped by a curious beak, but she did appreciate Ebony’s efforts to not add to her accumulated bruises from her zoo adventure. “Won’t we Ebony?” she asked, reaching across with her other hand and gently stroking the soft feathers of Ebony’s front.

 

“Kaaa….”  

 

Chen had never really thought it was possible for a bird, never mind a raven, to purr in contentment, but the noise Ebony was making did sound exactly like that.

 

“Kaw!”  Pleased that his young friend had accepted that the Boss was not a bad being considering she had neither beak nor feathers, Toby delicately took the apple core chunk from Kate’s fingers and, with another easy move of his wings, disappeared into the lengthening shadows of the dusk.

 

“Who’s your friend Lieutenant?”  Her rapid change in focus, all without seemingly diverting her attention from the raven still perching on her shoulder would have caught Chen off guard were it not for the simple fact that he’d never been not expecting her to suddenly start talking to him - she was uncanny like that.

 

“Miguel Javi…”  Chen wasn’t sure what to introduce him as, other than ‘the new guy in Medical’ which was accurate but perhaps not flattering or fair.

 

“Ah! Mr Javi.”  Kate stood up and turned around, seemingly unaffected by Ebony doing a commendable parrot impression and staying perched on her shoulder.  “I’m sorry that I haven’t met you before now - my plans for Tuesday went out the window otherwise we’d have met then.”

 

“Of course Dr Stewart.”  Miguel and his two fellow new starters had been supposed to meet her in the afternoon on Tuesday, after the HR induction in the morning and before the second part of the ‘know your alien’ introduction, but that was before the alarms went off.  He still wasn’t entirely sure what had happened, but had been astute enough to keep his eyes and ears open and his mouth shut. Aside from the meeting with her, everything else in his induction week had gone as planned and all he really knew about Tuesday was that whatever it was had been ‘dealt with’ and the section of labs that had been out-of-bounds now had new observation windows and doors.  “I, uh…” Remembering the envelope, he thrust it out towards her. “...was asked to bring you this but you weren’t in your office.”

 

“Thank you.”  Kate leaned forwards and accepted the envelope, keeping half an eye on Ebony in case Kate’s shoulder was no longer sufficiently interesting for the young bird, however she seemed to be quite enjoying herself if the little head bobs were anything to go by.  Sliding her finger along the envelope flap, she extracted the two page medical report and instinctively reached down to her trouser pocket for her reading glasses.

 

“Oh!”  Seeing what she was doing, Chen remembered what else he had with him.  “I brought you these…” He unzipped the pouch pocket on his tactical vest and extracted her mobile phone, watch, keys and reading glasses.  “...Your boots are still in decon…” As he handed over the items for Kate to take one by one, he couldn’t help but glance down at her feet, not surprised she’d decided against wearing the weird slipper-like flip-flops Medical offered you once you’d completed the decontamination process.  Most people just took the socks and either waited for their own shoes or had a pair of trainers in a forgotten gym-bag they could wear, but Greyhound One wasn’t most people. “...but loving the coral Ma’am.” Few would have considered pairing black combat wear with coral ‘tiger stripe’ patterned kitten heels, but then few could accessorise their combat wear with a raven doing a commendable impression of a parrot.

 

“Hmm?”  It took Kate a moment to refocus on him, having been multi-tasking by reading her medical report while restarting her phone and checking what time it was on her watch, then she remembered her shoes.  “Thanks.” She took off her reading glasses and put them in her pocket before Ebony had another experimental nip at them. “Tronkie’s Christmas present, he couldn’t understand why I’d picked the black pair when we last went shopping together.”  As much as she loved her brightly coloured footwear and the effect it had on the rather buttoned up civil servants she mostly dealt with, there were occasions when a relatively ‘basic’ black was useful. “Have you met Tronkie?”

 

“The Ambassador?  No Ma’am.” Chen had missed Tronkie’s last visit at Christmas, having been assigned to a different alien VIP, but like everyone in Troop, he’d heard about the colourful Ambassador and his love of Earth fashion.

 

“Nevermind…”  Kate made a mental note to mention to Maria Walsh that Tronkie’s next shopping trip would be calmer for all concerned if Chen could be included in the security detail - a man who knew these shoes could be described as ‘coral’ rather than some muddled and indecisive mix of red/orange/pink would hopefully help avoid Tronkie’s three hour lecture about colour theory which generally saw the ‘dogs’ get fidgety...and when they were fidgety, they were inclined towards property damage which was never cheap in Harvey Nicks.  “Well gentlemen, it seems I can go home.” Not that she’d really been worried about her status as a bio-hazard to anyone other than Os, but it was nice to know that she was ‘safe’ again, and that Medical were finally taking her ‘do it properly’ request seriously. “Thank you Mr Javi, and very nice to meet you at last.”

 

“Thank you…”  Miguel Javi glanced from her face to the raven on her shoulder and sideways at Chen before looking back at her.  “...although based on the advice I was given, I’d still be lost in the basement Dr Stewart.” The only piece of advice he had been given that seemed to be still useful and relevant was the shouted ‘use her name, she’s not Ma’am’, and while Lt Chen had managed a couple of ‘Ma’ams’, there were significantly less than Miguel might have otherwise expected based on his experiences with Troop so far.

 

“It’s easier on a weekday.”  Kate had now managed to fold the medical report back into the envelope and put it, along with her glasses and phone, into her trouser pockets, and was now attempting to fasten her watch strap.  “More people to tell you where I am.” She was under no illusion that Fran had a network of ‘spies’ scattered throughout the Tower and Whitehall that helped her keep tabs on where Kate had got waylaid to, but it generally didn’t function too well without Fran.  

 

Chen correctly interpreted her raised eyebrow as a hint to explain why he’d brought her things from decontamination when normally they’d be delivered to either Fran (if she was in) or Jenkins (if, like now, it was a random unplanned decontamination that was needed for her to go home).  And, just for good measure, Ebony appeared to be copying the Boss with the raven equivalent of a raised eyebrow, which everyone who’d ever been on the wrong side of the birds, knew was an angled head and slightly opened beak. At least when the avian ravens did it, the only risk was a ferocious nip with the beak and swipe from their talons.  The mechatronic and alien ones were significantly more explosive and corrosive respectively.

 

“You were asking about photographs earlier…” He held out the tablet he’d been carrying in front of him for her to take.  “...all the ones the scientists took have been updated onto this for you to take home.” He’d been confused by her question about photographs and so had, once they were back at the Tower, sought out Sam Bishop for his opinion.  It hadn’t taken long for him to then feel a bit of a prat when Sam had quietly suggested that the photos were probably for her to show Osgood, who would have otherwise joined them all when Gaston made contact, even if she’d then kept her distance from the aliens.

 

“That was quick…”  Kate was grateful and impressed but also curious - the scientists were notoriously slow at transferring all their photographs and getting them properly catalogued.  Cloud storage had made the situation worse, with there no longer being the threat of running out of memory to act as an incentive to proactively tidy up the photographs at the same time as the after-incident reports were written.

 

“McGillop helped me.”  Chen knew he’d have made no progress without his help as Chen had no idea which of the scientists had been taking pictures, but McGillop had known and quickly set about finding each scientist and making them sort their photographs.

 

“Vested interests,” nodded Kate, understanding, and making her think she should perhaps compare notes with McGillop sometime soon.  “A piece of unsolicited advice Mr Javi…”

 

“Yes Dr Stewart?”  He’d take any advice from anyone at the moment, and definitely from her.

 

“Never let anyone tell you Osgood doesn’t get irritated or cross.”

 

“Kaaawww…”  Ebony it seemed, was also interested in this advice as she suddenly rejoined their conversation rather vocally, sounding like she was trying to disagree with Kate.

 

“Not even a raven,” added Kate, not sure if Ebony was reacting to her voice generally or to hearing ‘Osgood’.  It was one of the words the regular non-alien corvids learned fairly early on, hearing it rather a lot from the alien ravens who were rather fond of Osgood and, much to Kate’s bemusement also loved to know all the Tower gossip, which often included the latest piece of brilliance by Osgood.  While she couldn’t fathom their love of gossip in general, she loved Osgood and they were always happy to catch her up on any bit of brilliance she’d otherwise missed. In return, she occasionally managed to tell them something the gossip circuit hadn’t known but, even if it was something they already knew, they were a friendly bunch of listeners who were happy to indulge the Boss’ need to occasionally just be a proud girlfriend and talk too much about Os.  “Because she can and does, it just happens to be in an Osgood sort of way.”

 

“Good to know Dr Stewart, thank you.”  Javi hadn’t met Osgood yet, but he’d heard enough to know that not only was this good advice generally, but that the advice giver was the definitive Osgood authority.  “I hope she’s feeling better?” He’d asked the question before he’d thought it through, with Chen clearly feeling he’d overstepped a line based on the tension he could see forming in the soldier’s body.

 

“She’s progressed to eating breakfast and wanting Thai for dinner so definitely on the mend,” agreed Kate, her eyes sparkling with amusement as she watched the by-play between the new paramedic and Chen before an inner voice that sounded suspiciously like Os’ told her to explain to both men what the other was missing.  “Javi, Chen’s tense because you’ve just broken Troop’s unwritten rule by talking about my relationship with Osgood with me.”

 

“Oh, I…”  Before Javi could apologise however, she’d waved it off and turned her attention to Chen.

 

“And Chen, you’ve just discovered that Medical all know about my relationship with Osgood and it is included in conversation as a matter of routine like anyone else’s family - they have to.”  Kate put her hand that wasn’t holding the tablet Chen had given her in her trouser pocket. This caused her shoulders to move, in turn making Ebony wobble, distracting her from reacting to hearing ‘Osgood’ said twice in quick succession.  “Speaking of which…” The pitch of her voice changed slightly, “...are you going to take yourself home or do I need to take you?” as she also rolled her shoulder, making it clear to Ebony that her time spent perching there was at an end.

 

“Kaw!”  With a rapid flurry of head bobbing and tail feather shaking, Ebony clearly indicated that she felt she was old enough to take herself back to the raven aviary on her own and then launched herself from Kate’s shoulder, managing to delay opening her wings fully until she was no longer in danger of hitting Kate with them, then gliding off into the dark shadows.

 

“Gentlemen…”  Nodding at both of them, Kate double checked she’d not left anything on the bench she’d been sitting on.  “...thank you for the report, photographs and my belongings, and nice to meet you at last Javi, that is what you prefer isn’t it?”  She was pleased to see his nod - it was a small thing, but remembering when someone didn’t want to use their first name was easy and something she’d tried to do even before she met Os.  “Tip top.” She experimented with rolling her shoulders, relieved that the stiffness she’d been starting to feel in her neck was almost certainly raven-related and would be gone by the time she’d got home.  “Good night Gentlemen.” 

 

Together, Chen and Javi watched as she set off towards the car that had appeared near the wall, Jenkins having been tipped off by Ops that Medical had cleared Greyhound One as being allergen-free.  

 

“She’s…”  Javi watched as the big dark car moved smoothly away, its tail lights bright in the dusk as the driver paused for the gates to be opened for them, finding himself the sort of lost for words that being a bit star-struck caused, something Chen could relate to.

 

“Yes, she is,” agreed Chen, deciding that he was going to get on alright with this paramedic.  “She’s Greyhound One.”


	6. Chapter 6

“...about now?” asked Osgood, leaning back in the armchair, her laptop balanced on her knee while she held her mobile to her ear.  “I’ve finished the final reboot from here.”

 

“Are you sure you don’t want McGillop for this?” asked Sam Bishop, looking between the various computer screens in Ops, not entirely certain what he was going to see happen.

 

“Quite sure.”  Osgood adjusted her glasses, proving that the smudge was actually on her laptop screen rather than her lenses.  “He’s gone home anyway.”

 

“And you’re supposed to be being left alone by us Osgood…” pointed out Sam kindly, glad he was talking to her on a headset rather than speakerphone as it gave him the leeway to be a bit less ‘Duty Officer’ and a bit more informal with his friend.

 

“I rang you Sam,” said Osgood as she moved her laptop from her lap to the coffee table.  “And you’ll know if its worked because WOTAN will print out a status report confirming the relay links are active.”  For reasons best known to whichever alien race it was that had originally created the base technology WOTAN used, it had been possible to use UNIT technology to create a remote access programme for the individual satellites in orbit but not the system overall.  Therefore, while Osgood could reset the satellites remotely from home with her UNIT laptop, she needed Ops’ help to find out if the individual resets had combined to collectively reset the whole system, as they had an original, alien-origin, WOTAN access terminal.

 

“It’s printing something, hang on…”  Sam waited until there was enough printed for him to start to read it.  “...er, are you expecting it to say anything in particular?” There was no reason for an output from an alien monitoring system to be printed neatly in English, but Sam was still an optimist despite all his experience with UNIT.

 

“Pairs of numbers, separated by dots and dashes.”

 

“Yes.  Do you need to know the numbers?”

 

“No thank you.”  Each line of numbers was an individual satellite’s position in time and space, plotted in the cartesian coordinate system native to the original technology WOTAN was based on.  So it wasn’t actually a cartesian coordinate system now Osgood thought about it, since there was nothing to suggest that the alien race who created the technology had ever heard of Rene Descartes… “As long as the numbers are separated by dots and dashes and there are no other symbols in the lines then the reboot has worked.”

 

“Looks good so far,” confirmed Sam, running his eye down the lines of print-out.  “Oh, it’s finished.”

 

“Two pages?” asked Osgood, wondering why people always expected long lists of satellites and sensors.  As far as she was concerned, 30 had been plenty to individually reset and, when they were all working, generally served UNIT and Earth rather well.

 

“Two pages,” confirmed Sam, looking through the second page, relieved to see nothing other than pairs of numbers separated by dots and dashes, just as Osgood had predicted.  “So that means we’re working again?”

 

“That means we’re working again,” confirmed Osgood, prepared to let Sam’s oversimplifcation go - the next step was to confirm that none of the sensors had shifted out of alignment, but that was something she’d find easier to do herself.  “Can you send me the output please?”

 

“Is there an email version?”  Sam didn’t think she meant for him to put the papers in the post - for one thing getting one of Troop to jog it over would be quicker, but he’d been at UNIT long enough to know that Osgood didn’t ask for something to be sent to her without already knowing how it would be done.

 

“You scan it and email it to me Sam…” said Osgood with a patience few others would have had in the circumstances.  “...or take a photo with your phone if you’d rather.”

 

“Done….”  Sam checked the two images on the tablet screen, satisfied that the numbers were clearly legible on the screen and attached them to an email.  “...is there anything else you want to make me do?” he asked, gently teasing his friend. 

 

“Tell me where Kate is please?” asked Osgood, switching off her laptop and shutting the lid.  She’d put it back in her bag when she next stood up. If she stood up.

 

“Sure, hang on a second.”   Sam could have accessed the information from his tablet, but habit meant he went over to the Duty Officer and peered over his shoulder instead, grinning when he saw what the situation was.  While many would have probably continued to make small talk with him, Osgood had just sat quietly, waiting for him to be ready to talk to her again. “Osgood?” 

 

“Yes?”  Osgood hadn’t realised she’d closed her eyes until she had opened them again, blinking to adjust to the light again, which was bright enough for her to see all the dust and marks on her glasses, so she took them off and started to polish them with the cloth she had in her trouser pocket.

 

“ETA is…”  He watched on the screen as the blue pinhead dot on the screen tracking Greyhound One’s actual position began to move again.  “...four minutes, so your chips shouldn’t be soggy.”

 

“Chips?”  That Osgood wasn’t immediately following what he was talking about was a fairly large clue that she was still not quite recovered from the events of Tuesday.  “Why would they be soggy?”

 

“Vinegar?” Sam moved away from the Duty Officer so he wasn’t looming over the guy as he continued to do his job.  Sam certainly didn’t need to monitor Kate Stewart’s arrival home from the chippy. “On chips?”

 

“No thank you.”  Osgood put her much cleaner glasses back on.  “Unless it’s the base ingredient of the mayonnaise...” She heard Sam’s sharp intake of breath, something Max did too when she talked about how she liked her chips.  “...or ketchup.” Osgood now remembered why vinegar was suddenly the topic of conversation - Kate had obviously seen her text message when she’d got her phone back from the decontamination process.  “And you put the vinegar on the chips when you get home if you don’t want them to be soggy.” That way, you could also pick what sort of vinegar you wanted to have on them, which was what Kate did when she occasionally fancied vinegar on her chips, but Osgood decided that wasn’t something Sam needed to know now.

 

“Enjoy your chips Osgood…”  Sam knew that he did not want to still be on the phone with her when Greyhound One got home, even if it had been Greyhound Two calling him and not the other way around.  “...and I’ll see you when I’m back.” He’d been around in the Tower a fair bit lately, taking his turn in the Troop rotation, but he was off again tomorrow, unless today’s surprise visitors changed the plan.

 

“Have a good trip Sam.”  Osgood had known what it was he was going off to do, which was something connected with the thing from Tuesday, but that was before Tuesday quite literally exploded.  As a result, it wasn’t at the top of her to do list to revisit just now. 

* * *

  
  


“Are you sure Tommy?”

 

“Yes Dr Stewart.”  Starting the engine, Tommy Jenkins checked his mirrors and eased the car out into the quiet street and continued the short distance to the Kennel.

 

“Tuesday then, I’ll come find you.”  Kate was still rather mortified by his realisation that she’d left home earlier with just her UNIT ID and phone, which meant that she now had two large cod and chips as a debt she owed.  “I’d suggest you waited while I found it tonight but then Gareth’s chips will get cold.”

 

“It’s fine Dr Stewart, really.”  Turning into the street that she lived on, Tommy looked in the rear view mirror and saw her slight frown and lip caught between her teeth, a sign he’d long ago learned to recognise as one indicating she was feeling like she didn’t know everything she should.  “I can’t accept your money until Osgood’s accepted mine for the Pisco.”

 

“Pisco?”  Kate didn’t think she’d heard about Osgood and Tommy going drinking, and if Osgood was drinking pisco then it sounded like Tommy had managed to coax Osgood out for cocktails, making her even more curious to hear the story.

 

“For Gareth, duty free when she came back from Chile.”  

 

“That was…”  Kate tried to remember exactly when it was that Osgood had returned from Chile.  “...a year ago.” She was now beginning to understand why the thirty quid she owed him for the fish and chips was not his priority.  “Even I can’t persuade her to change her mind on that Tommy…” and privately, Kate was in complete agreement with her girlfriend - the cost of a bottle or two of good Pisco brandy in the Santiago airport duty free was negligible in the context of their relationship with Tommy Jenkins and, had Kate been the one with the opportunity to buy it, she’d have refused repayment as well.

 

“Then dinner’s on me,” said Tommy firmly, turning into the driveway, the car’s headlights picking out the reflective surfaces on the front of the house and no doubt letting Osgood know Kate was home.

 

“Thank you Tommy.”  Kate waited while he got out and opened her door for her, the cumulative toll of her assault on the garden and her subsequent alien ‘bonus’ had left her more tired and stiff than she’d noticed, with the half an hour or so sat in the car being just long enough for joints to seize and back muscles to tighten.  “For everything,” she added as, once out of the car, she saw him standing by the open boot, holding out the warm paper bag containing their dinner, an identical one still in the boot of the car for him to take home to his partner. 

 

Officially, Osgood had overseen the design of the environmentally regulated boot compartments so that samples and equipment that was temperature sensitive could be safely transported in the cars with only a few seconds notice.  Unofficially (and with a special protective lining available so it was extra safe from any contamination), it was also very useful when you had a takeaway you wanted to keep warm, whether for the few minutes drive from the chippy to the Kennel, or for the twenty minutes it would take for Tommy to drive on to his home.  

 

“It’s just driving,” said Tommy quietly, closing the boot lid and looking carefully just past her ear, his natural preference for not talking much re-emerging now this was starting to feel like ‘small talk’.

 

“And this is just a car…” teased Kate kindly, knowing why he was downplaying his part in the smooth operation of today and every other day UNIT required her to be in more than one place, preferably at once usually, as well.  “Good night,” she added, stepping away from the car and heading towards the front door.

 

“Good night Dr Stewart.”  Tommy shut the back passenger door with a firm push and walked around the back of the vehicle which was definitely not ‘just a car’, heading back to the driver’s seat.  Hearing the front door open, he smiled to himself and got back into the driver’s seat. Keying the bluetooth headset he no longer noticed wearing, he spoke the familiar and important words that Ops had been waiting all day to hear.  “Greyhound One is secure in the Kennel.”

 

As he automatically completed the comms protocol that saw him then be able to go off duty himself, he watched in the rear view mirror...in theory he wasn’t supposed to declare Greyhound One as ‘secure’ unless she was actually behind a locked front door, but in practice she insisted that her doormat was good enough and anything else felt like she was being treated like a misbehaving teenager.  

 

There had been an uncomfortable stand-off between Troop Command and Dr Stewart that Tommy had found himself caught in the middle of, until General Bambera heard about it and told them that the doormat would do.  Apparently, so the grapevine said, the Boss had been sufficiently  _ challenging  _ as a teenager that the General was legitimately concerned about what an adult Dr Stewart would do to prove her point, with it being given a provisional risk assessment rating of Dalek rampage…  Based on what he could see in the rear view mirror as he waited for Ops to confirm he was clear to drive home to Gareth, with the good news about their feline houseguests were just hating the neighbours not their housekeeping, it would be hard to picture Dr Stewart as a rebel, teenaged or otherwise, but Tommy knew that what he was privileged enough to see glimpses of was not the part that many others saw...

 

“Hello…” Osgood stepped out into the porch and looked out towards the red lights of the back of the car, giving it a wave as she slipped her other arm around her girlfriend’s waist, already concerned by how tired and weary she looked. 

 

Although she probably couldn’t see him in the darkness, Tommy lifted his hand from the steering wheel and returned the wave, just in case Osgood could see through the back window, feeling unable to not acknowledge her.  “Received, comms off, switched to standard contact.” Touching the bluetooth earpiece to end the phone call, Tommy put the idling car in gear and eased forwards. 

 

“Fish and chips?” suggested Kate, raising her arm slightly so that the bag containing their dinner was, in theory, in their eyeline.  It was a theory her body wasn’t prepared to entertain.

 

“I prefer Osgood,” countered Os, taking the bag of dinner from Kate while she was distracted with a fleeting kiss of greeting.  “Come on…” Stepping back from her girlfriend before she could try and retake the bag from her, Osgood led them back inside the house.

 

He was now done for the night, off duty until Tuesday morning when he’d be back here at 0715 to collect Greyhounds One and Two, unless he was contacted with a change of plan. With a final glance in the rear view mirror, he pulled out onto the street and headed for home, and hopefully his own welcome home kiss.


	7. Chapter 7

 

“I should be carrying that…” protested Kate weakly as she shut the front door behind her, remembering at the last second that stepping out of her shoes while still on the inside doormat was going to be a bristly shock for her sockless feet.  “You’re the one with bruised ribs…”

 

“They’re much better.”  Osgood carried on to the kitchen, having decided that was where they were going to eat their dinner.  “And I haven’t been m...” She stopped when she was about to say ‘mauled’, knowing that her grumpiness was being fueled by her frustration that she’d not been able to join in the mystery at the zoo.

 

“Euphonium wasn’t a mauler…” Kate followed Os through to the kitchen, taking her shoes off forgotten now she wasn’t standing still, knowing what her girlfriend had been thinking.  “...just rather elderly and short-sighted.”

 

“So’s Aunt Lucy…” grumbled Osgood, knowing she was being less than objective, and taking her frustration out on the paper wrapped around the fish and chips.  Osgood had two, now rather elderly, Aunts, with Lucy being her father’s overly affectionate but rather lovely older sister. Eyesight and age aside, Aunt Lucy was about as opposite as it was possible to be to her mother’s older sister Joan, who had managed to dislike Osgood for daring to follow in her father’s science-loving footsteps rather than accept the world was made by an omnipresent all powerful creator.  That then evolved with Aunt Joan condemning her to Hell without, apparently, hope of repentance or leniency when she heard that the ‘Jo’ Osgood was seeing romantically one term was a ‘Joanna’ not a ‘Joseph’. So, while Aunt Joan presumably thought Kate was the Antichrist, Aunt Lucy was potentially in the top three of people Osgood would be the least surprised to discover had attempted to make a pass at her girlfriend... and explained why she was in danger of reducing the chips to mashed potato until she felt Kate’s hands slip round her waist.  “Sorry…”

 

“Nothing to be sorry for as long as the chips still have crispy bits…” teased Kate gently, resting her chin on Osgood’s shoulder and waiting for her girlfriend to calm down.  Contrary to what most people at the Tower thought, Osgood was more than capable of getting cross, upset or angry at things or with people, she just had her own way of expressing those feelings, and it didn’t often involve shouting.  “Though I can find probably some peas in the freezer for you to make mushy peas?” Kate didn’t mind the uniquely British way of cooking peas, but she knew Osgood considered it a major culinary offence.

 

“Still crispy…” declared Os, carefully tearing through the final layer of paper on one of the portions of fish and chips to reveal some crispy chips mixed in amongst the larger chips.  Pulling out a particularly crispy one, she held it up to where she knew Kate’s mouth had to roughly be and, despite her lingering grumpiness, smiled when she felt the playful nip of her girlfriend’s teeth on her fingertips as the chip was snaffled.

 

“Mmm…”  Chewing quickly and swallowing, ignoring the slight ‘too hot’ shock, Kate gently rubbed her chin against Osgood’s shoulder, feeling it tense but not tensing, suggesting that whatever was bugging her girlfriend wasn’t being made worse by Kate’s presence.  “Come on…” she coaxed, knowing that whatever it was that was upsetting Osgood’s equilibrium was not going to be solved by hunger. “There’s a chair with our name on it.” 

 

Turning slightly, and using her hands to gently guide Osgood to move with her, Kate steered them both to the nearest kitchen chair, only letting go of her girlfriend when she needed a hand to pull the chair out from under the table.  Sitting down, Kate tugged on Osgood’s trouser pocket and gestured to her lap. “I’d offer a chip for your thoughts but you’re holding them hostage…” She nodded towards the two bundles of fish and chips, one not so carefully (by Osgood’s usually exacting standards) torn open and one still neatly parcelled up.  “...but I have hugs?”

 

Osgood stood, perfectly still for a moment - the only signal she wasn’t her usual at ease self was her bottom lip, which was clamped firmly between her teeth, before suddenly sitting down on Kate’s lap and putting the fish and chips on the table.

 

Acting purely on instinct, Kate swallowed her groan of discomfort when her girlfriend’s weight landed firmly on top of the bruised thighs that had earlier felt the brunt of Euphonium’s weight when she’d misjudged the distance to Kate and landed on her rather than near her.  Glad that whatever it was that was troubling Osgood wasn’t apparently affecting her willingness to share her personal space with Kate, and that she was concentrating on unwrapping the other bundle of fish and chips, Kate bit down on her own bottom lip and counted silently backwards from ten while she willed her bruised and tired body to just shut up and accept that it had to keep going.  No amount of gardening and alien adventuring was going to stop her from being here for Os… wincing at her stiff shoulders’ protests, Kate wrapped her arms around her girlfriend’s waist and carefully tried to reposition her legs slightly so that she was in a slightly less awkward position. Shuffling completed, and no longer distracted by the random aches and pains coming from various parts of her, Kate let her head drop forward and rest gently against Osgood’s ribs (on the non-bruised side), content to just sit quietly, holding her until she was ready to share something.  She just hoped, as much as she loved Os, that the first ‘something’ her girlfriend shared with her was another chip or a piece of fish.

 

“Fish or chip?” asked Osgood when she had finally got their food unwrapped and in comfortable reach of her right hand, wanting to use her left hand to wrap around Kate’s shoulders and keep that feeling of being  _ home,  _ of being safe.

 

“Yes please.”  Now that Os had lifted her arm up, Kate could move her head a bit and end up with it tucked in front of Os, still managing to avoid the bruised ribs.

 

Kate watched as Osgood broke a chunk off one of the pieces of cod and, after they’d both watched the steam rise from the newly exposed flaky white fish for a moment, held it under Kate’s nose.  “Open?” prompted Os, amused when she saw Kate briefly go almost cross-eyed as she tried to watch the fish while attempting a mock glare up at Os. Starting to feel a little less off-balanced by the afternoon’s events now she had Kate home again, Osgood slowly pulled the fish back a fraction, as if she’d changed her mind about offering to share it.

 

“Hey!”  Amused at Kate’s silliness, Osgood just about held onto the end of the piece of battered fish that was left between her fingers after Kate’s massive bite.  She paused for another moment, watching in case Kate was in serious difficulties with the hot fish before putting the rest of it in her own mouth when she worked out it was more of her ‘silly fool’ being, well, just that.

 

“My right leg…” Kate swallowed the final bit of her mouthful as she felt Osgood shift in her lap as if about to stand up, prompting her to tighten her hug just enough to reassure Os that this wasn’t the beginnings of a request for her to move.  “...there’s a pocket on the side with a tablet…” She felt Osgood’s hand moving along her thigh, finding the button keeping it securely closed. “...Chen got it for me, with photos…” She tried not to let her discomfort show in her face when, in pulling the tablet out, Osgood managed to find another of her bruises with one of its corners on her way to getting the tablet safely put down on the table.  “Did you find tablets to fit the pockets or did Maria order trousers with pockets the right size?” Kate didn’t need her glasses to be able to ‘see’ the look she was getting for that question - she could feel it, and the little bundle of chips that lightly boffed her on the nose. Taking the hint, she opened her mouth and closed it around the chips, this time being on her best behaviour and finding Osgood’s fingertips with her lips but not her teeth. 

 

For a brief moment Osgood toyed with the idea of immediately looking at the photos but that would involve sacrificing either the rest of her dinner or her comfortable position in Kate’s lap, so she left the tablet on the table and picked up another chunk of fish.  Seeing Kate hadn’t finished her previous mouthful of chips, Osgood took a bite of the fish and chewed slowly. As the fingers of her other hand drifted across Kate’s shoulders and began to stroke the nape of her girlfriend’s neck, the still slightly grumpy part of her rationalised it as a good way of finding out when Kate had finished chewing her current mouthful… 

 

“What’s the head shaking for?” asked Kate, breaking into Osgood’s thoughts when it became clear that whatever Osgood was unimpressed by was taking priority over that piece of fish ever coming in range of Kate’s mouth.  “Was I supposed to say the magic word?”

 

“Hmm?”  Surprised out of her internal debate, Osgood registered that Kate talking meant Kate wasn’t chewing, meaning Kate should be eating some more, meaning….

 

“Ooof!”  Kate jerked her head backwards, twitched her nose and opened her instinctively closed eyes cautiously.  Compared to everything today, being bashed in the nose by a piece of cooked cod was almost pleasant as it was warm, soft and more fragile than her nose so came off second best, but the circumstances of the impact made it the most alarming.  She’d worked for UNIT too long to not expect the a few headbutts and bumps when dealing with aliens, but her girlfriend didn’t usually weaponise edibles.

 

“Sorry!” Flustered,  Osgood dropped the cod back in the paper and adjusted her glasses as she looked at Kate’s face in concern.  “I was…” Actually, what was she doing?

 

“Is there an extra charge for twice battered cod?” teased Kate gently, confident that there was no harm done to her and, as always, far more concerned about Os than anything or anyone else.  At least that saw her get a different sort of headshake from Os, the one that Kate knew was usually combined with a shy smile and some sort of attempt to distract Kate… “Mmm…you’re trying to distract me…”  How exactly Osgood managed to get her neck to become so traitorous to her own self-control Kate had no clue, and for once, her inner scientist was permanently out-voted: she didn’t care.

 

“Sorry.”  Osgood stilled her fingers and sat perfectly still, almost rigidly still, in Kate’s lap.

 

“Os?”  Kate leaned back in the chair a fraction so that she could more easily try to work out from her girlfriend’s general demeanour what might be going on, realising this was rather more than just a misguided mouthful of fish.  This was more like… 

 

“It’s me.”  Suddenly completely focused on Kate, Osgood looked intently at her, desperate to convince her of the of that one fact.  “I’m me.”

 

“I know…”  Kate could feel the fingertips resting on her neck that were no longer moving and tried to will them back into their random squiggly familiar rhythm.  “I know you’re you…” she promised, trying to work her fingers under Osgood’s sweater so she could have her own reassuring contact, her own uniquely random yet familiar squiggly patterns registering with Osgood without having them muted by the thicker fabric of the sweater.  “Never doubted that…” It wasn’t something she’d ever had a problem with, somehow always being able to pick up on when Osgood wasn’t quite Osgood, though that hadn’t been (officially or unofficially) a consideration she’d had to make for a few years now. “What’s up Doc?” It was a tease she kept for emergency use only, as overuse saw even Osgood’s lengthy patience snap.

 

“I…”  Distracted by the immediate memory of watching Bugs Bunny cartoons with her sister early on a Saturday morning, Osgood’s fingers resumed their instinctive exploration of Kate’s neck, much to the blonde’s relief.  “I never understood why Bugs Bunny was calling people ‘Doc’.” She thought about repositioning her slightly off-centre glasses but since that meant either disturbing her bruised ribs or letting go of Kate’s neck, Osgood settled for trying to shift her glasses by twitching her nose instead.  “None of the characters were medically qualified or had PhDs.”

 

“Texan idiomatic expression circa 1920.”  The expression on Osgood’s face almost made Kate want to stop and take a photograph of it, so rarely did she manage to catch her girlfriend that off-guard, but that meant moving and her bruises had finally stopped grumbling.  “We asked for P’Tang…” Kate tried to remember if Osgood had known the elderly Kabernu Representative who, despite looking rather more like an anteater than a distinguished inter-galactic diplomat, was a delightful dinner guest.  “He was the Senior Ambassador when I first went to work in Geneva. His great-grandchildren loved Bugs Bunny, which he couldn’t understand.”

 

“Didn’t he approve of cartoons?” Osgood had heard her father mention P’Tang in passing once or twice but had never met the now retired Ambassador.

 

“Quite the opposite, he was a massive fan of them, but he couldn’t really understand how anyone could have a favourite that wasn’t Roadrunner.” 

 

“Oh.”  Lapsing into thoughtful silence, Osgood picked up a chip and began to chew it.  After a moment, she picked up another chip and offered it to her girlfriend who, picking up on the shift in Osgood’s mood, ate it without any further teasing or random tangents.  

 

Several chips and two large mouthfuls of fish later, and Kate’s immediate hunger was sated and she was able to restart the conversation, now having a fairly good idea what was causing Os to be ‘off’.  “Apart from how she managed to arrive at the Elephant House, there’s no mystery to Euphonium’s arrival.”

 

“No?”  Hearing Kate’s assertion that the alien visit was lacking in mystery piqued Osgood’s interest.  “I can explain how the arrival went wrong…” She adjusted her glasses so they felt like they were sitting more squarely on her nose.  “...haven’t quite sorted out the why yet though.” That she was supposed to be on sick leave, and therefore at home with no involvement in UNIT activities was clearly beside the point.

 

“Oh?”  Kate was trying to keep her face neutral and not show her bright grin of pride at Osgood’s brilliance.  If it also meant she firmly keep on top of any delight in correctly identifying what was causing Osgood’s ‘offness’, that was only a bonus.

 

“The micro-portal request signal came through on the old frequency - it was outside of the range WOTAN monitors, so it was requested on a vector basis rather than by reference purpose.”  Osgood absently chewed on a now cool but still crispy chip. “At least, that’s how the micro-portal formed where it did. I didn’t find any evidence that it was a WOTAN deflection error, so it must have been a deliberate signal…”  But why Euphonium had deliberately requested a micro-portal to open, at that precise location, using a frequency that bypassed the security network that not only protected the planet from unsolicited portal requests but also made the requesting of legitimate portals easier?  That was the ‘why’ Osgood hadn’t yet solved. Unless….. “...it wasn’t a ‘wrong number’ was it?” Just occasionally something went so wrong in the depths of outer space, usually involving space wind repair work detours not being correctly followed, though a faulty update to one of the more widely used intergalactic navigation systems hadn’t helped a while back either, that visitors found themselves on Earth when they’d very much preferred to be somewhere else entirely.

 

“Not exactly.  School outing from Phangrox Brown - Euphonium came out of retirement as a sort of supply teacher, she’d last done the infants’ outing in we think about 1910... ”

 

“Ah, when the receiving point was where the Elephant House now is…”  Before then it had been at the Tower, and since the actual installation of the Elephants there in 1965, the receiving point for aliens wishing to visit with relatives who were the surviving retired Ghost Officers had moved to Whipsnade Zoo where everyone except Gaston had elected to live.

 

“Yes - she apologised for using an old map and her original transponder but her arthritis was making using the current teacher’s one difficult…”  Kate was about to say more when she felt the day’s events start to catch up on her and started to yawn. “....ahhhhhooooww…” Clamping her mouth shut, she brought her hand up to rub along the length of her jaw and side of her neck, trying to ease the cramp-like spasm she could suddenly feel, causing her to also let go of Osgood.  This gave Os the opportunity to stand up and spin round so she could crouch in front of her girlfriend, concerned, bruised ribs be damned.

 

“Cramp?”  Osgood had already guessed, knowing Gaston’s preference for sitting on Kate’s shoulders and head, that her girlfriend’s neck was probably very sore, even without the licking.

 

“Mmm…”  Turning her head to try and find a semi comfortable angle to stretch her neck out Kate continued her semi-random prodding in the hope she found the offending muscle.

 

“Go stand under the shower,” encouraged Osgood, her mood completely changed.  “I’ll be up in a minute…” She nodded in the general direction of their mostly finished fish and chips, which she’d take a moment to put properly in the rubbish bin.  “...you still smell wrong.”

 

“You offering to wash my back?” teased Kate, having suddenly found a combination of neck stretch and firm finger prod that meant talking was again possible.

 

“And count your bruises,” pointed out Osgood gently, lightly pulling on Kate’s free hand, pleased that her own bumps and bruises were sufficiently well rested and medicated that she wasn’t launching into her own round of ‘ows’.  She didn’t need to draw attention to Kate’s plan of not mentioning her own aches, it was a long running battle that was frustrating enough when Osgood wasn’t injured, but became impossible when she was, as Kate then out-and-out refused to admit to anything that might distract Osgood from her own recovery.  Instead, she’d just accepted that she had to take a rather more hands on approach with her girlfriend and work out what the damage was for herself. “Silly idiotic thing…” she chastised gently, carefully leaning forwards to lightly press her lips to Kate’s, not wanting to risk overtaking her own ribs as that would only see Kate forget about taking herself again in favour of looking after Os.  “...I’ll be up in a minute or two.”

 

“Mmm…”  Kate returned the light kiss with one of her own, “...bring the tablet?”

 

“You’re not working….”

 

“No, photos, of today, for you.”  Kate tentatively smiled as she saw Osgood’s sudden frown relax and disappear again.  “After the shower? In bed?” She had no idea what time it was, but quite liked the idea of declaring the day ‘done’ after the shower and getting into bed with Os, who based on her nod, seemed to agree with the plan.  “Tip top…” And, with a final gentle kiss to the tip of her girlfriend’s nose, Kate wearily dragged herself off upstairs to start the shower. Warm water and soap that wasn’t selected for its decontamination qualities did sound lovely….not to mention a lie-in tomorrow, after all, it was a Bank Holiday...

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, here's some explanations as promised.....
> 
> The title of 'Keeper of the Menagerie' no longer exists, although there still is a 'Constable of the Tower' (obviously neither have any connection with UNIT...) and the Duke of Wellington was technically the last Constable to have a Menagerie to keep. [more info in various places, here's a start if you're curious: https://www.hrp.org.uk/tower-of-london/history-and-stories/the-tower-of-london-menagerie]
> 
> 'Joseph' is the Andrew Lloyd-Webber musical 'Joseph and the amazing technicolour dreamcoat' which, while now a mainstay of Broadway, the West End and elsewhere, was originally written by Lloyd-Webber as a school show. Although extensively rewritten since then and now very much more a big 'show' than the short song-story it began as, that doesn't stop lots of schools picking it as their torture, sorry I mean school production.
> 
> A Euphonium is a brass instrument a bit like, but not technically the same as a tuba....while a Begonia (flowering plant popular in summer bedding for their colourful flowers) grows from a root tuber (rather than a seed or cutting)...and no, I'm not apologising for that pun!
> 
> The Flehmen Response is real science, and something that lions, domestic cats and kangaroos all have, but the kangaroo doesn't have a giveaway facial movement. 
> 
> And finally, I have no idea if Mary Berry has a flapjack recipe which could have cranberries spontaneously added to it, but knowing that baking superstar, she's probably already added the cranberries to avoid anyone getting a soggy bottom or something equally unpleasant!


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